When I tell people that my firstborn son is autistic, most of them can hardly believe it.
"Why, he looks NOTHING like 'Rain Man,'" they say, as though a 10-year old with a shock of black hair would look anything like a 40-year old Dustin Hoffman.
I nod, sometimes explaining that all people with autism don't count cards, sometimes I just shrug my shoulders in a "what can you do kinda way," other times I roll my eyes inwardly.
Apparently you need to be a Dustin Hoffman clone to have autism.
Anyway, most of my friend who have kids on the spectrum have toddlers with food issues. Small ones who hate to be touched. Little ones with problems learning to talk.
Tween years? They bring out a WHOLE new side of the spectrum.
It's almost as though I'd like those food aversion years back. Almost like I'd happily embrace the challenges of potty training a kid with sensory problems. I'd almost take back the heartbreak of having a baby who preferred his mobile to other people.
Because this puberty stuff? It's bullshit.
Sure, I know I was an ass to my Mom and probably was a little harder on her than I should've been. I probably could've eased up on the attitude some. While I'm thinking on it, I should send her a subscription to the Cheese of the Month club or something just to say I'm sorry.
(do they have a "Cheese of the Month Club?" Here's hoping.)
When you add an already...challenging...way of communicating to the hormonal mood swings of puberty, and you throw a dash of "I'm ten and therefore right about ALL THE THINGS," you have my son. Most of the time.
The other part of the time, he's as calm and placid as can be; helping around the house, playing with his siblings, being an overall awesome kid.
Until I dare open my mouth to say something like, "Can you please do your reading at Grandma's today?" Which will subject me to an hour long discourse into why this is, in fact, a stupid idea, because OMFG MOM *eye roll* I DON'T HAVE BOOKS THERE. Like he has to trek to the Serengeti with only a backpack filled with vital, life-sustaining water and supplies to get to her house or something, rather than take a ride in her air-conditioned Civic with a book on his lap.
Because it's not yet "routine" for him, it's outside of the realm of his ability to comprehend.
I get it - I do. Try to go a Saturday WITHOUT taking me out for a coffee (Dunkin Donuts will do, nothing fancy here) - it's my one guilty pleasure and I look forward to it all week. So you try and say, "no, not this week?" I'll probably mope. Then I'll go about my day feeling like *something* is missing.
But I'm not going to subject YOU to listening to a soliloquy, feet-stamping and hand-gestures and all, because, well, yeah. I guess I'm not going through puberty.
I *know* this is normal. I *know* I'll get over it. And I *know* he'll grow out of this (probably).
But until then, I'll be holed up under my bed with a ham sandwich and a flashlight, hiding from my eldest.
Ashley Is a Widow Who Stays Strong...
This Hot Dad Wants to Vacuum Your Rug
This Hot Dad Wants to Do Your Ironing
KStew Refuses to Shower
Comments 21
Oh we are so there now! My son is 14, and just asking him to take out the trash, or clean his room prompts huge meltdowns-mostly about not having any free time. He never had them as a small child, so this is all new to my husband and I. We look at him like he has two heads. Puberty sucks, but add in the autism and it is non-stop fun. Now that my son has also been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, we just started him on Zoloft. We are hoping this magic blue pill will help with some of the outbursts-especially in getting him OUT of the house and into the world. Hang in there everyone. I hear it gets better.
I'm glad you mentioned Rain Man, people first meet my son and don't realize he is Autistic, until he speaks. He is 24 now and his puberty was late, 16 and my husband was deployed, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It is knowing his emotions are scattered and intense and not being able to help. Somedays the exhaustion is unbearable. Trying to not be frustrated and not yell but rather explain. It is exhausting.
My son is 12 & on the spectrum. My daughter is 14. Autism makes a HUGE difference. "puberty is MUCH worse and more intensified in kids on the spectrum." Very true. My daughter gets all hormonal and I can say to her, "I get that you truly believe (insert world-ending catastrophe here) is going to cause your death/ permanent suffering of untold proportions, but this will pass. I love you, despite what you think/how you are acting right now". She gets pissed, but she does get it. I can't explain it to him, he can't get it. He feels everything more intensely without the coping skills of your average 12 year old boy (limited as that yard stick might be). It'd be like having a really big 7 year old in middle school, going through puberty. *shudder* The best advice I can give you is make sure that at least at home he has a place to "decompress" some place with a fav old toy (mine loves his Legos) that no one is allowed to come into. Kids with autism need more "breaks" from others than "regular" kids seem to need. I hope this helps. <<hugs>>
What I am saying is the author did not do an excellent job of describing how it is different to have a child with autism going through puberty. I imagine it is way more difficult to deal with than a child with out autism. It has nothing to do with my not empathizing. I have friends with kids who have autism, ADD/ADHD, and have children with down syndrome in my family. I most certainly empathize. But, way to support and understand. Maybe less defense( although understandable sometimes) and more enlightenment and education.
This so described my 12 year old son that is on the spectrum. Although we have the joy of a boy who physically and hormonally 12, but mentally 6. His autism has delayed his maturity level to 6, therefore his understanding is still that of a 6 year old as well as his reactions. I a situation like your's, he would have broken down into a full blown meltdown kicking screaming crying fit. This happens when he doesn't get things he wants or there is a change of plans at the last minute. Lovely to be in a store and deal with the "looks" I get when my 12 year old who is almost as tall as me is having a meltdown (spoiled rotten temper tantrum to other uneducated people) because he can't have the toy he wants. So can't wait until the maturity evens out with the age and hormones a little. You have my empathy!!!
Yeah, I understand what autism has to do with it. It magnifies everything. My nine-year-old boy is "glass man." He's flexible. Until he's not, and then he just... breaks. And it's OMFG all over the place. Social stories help. A LOT. Transitioning ahead of time helps. A LOT. I'm getting a lot of push-back, because the expectation is that he work on school skills over the summer, but his expectation is that summer is for having a "break." Yeah, he should have worked harder all school year, then. He needs to learn his multiplication facts. Hell, he needs to learn his addition and subtraction facts! He needs to keep his skills or lose them, and it has been so every single year since preschool. But I'm getting this BIG defiant backtalky thing from him, because he should not have to WORK, NO ONE HAS TO WORK over the summer. To him, summer vacation is for parking his butt in front of the nearest glowing box, strewing snack wrappers from one end of the house to the other, and never ever putting away one single toy. This is my first summer as a stay-at-home parent, also... I totally get it. You are not alone.
Not sure about the cheese of the month club BUT they have a bacon of the month club out there.