Potty Training Gives Me Panic Attacks

Potty training.

Never have two words filled me with such dread and made my stomach twist uncomfortably into itty-bitty knots. I didn't ALWAYS feel this way. The first two of my kids, well, let's just say that potty training wasn't full of the awesome. That's much kinder than saying that I have a panic attack every time I consider potty training anyone.

Here's why.


When I realized that my daughter, who is now three, was hitting the age of potty training, I frantically made a list of all the things I'd rather be doing than potty training. This list included:

Find Carmen Sandiego (she's probably with Waldo, that slut).

Be a guest on Jerry Springer.

Play Jeopardy in my underwear.

None of these are exactly appealing to me, except the not wearing pants part. Pants are bullshit.

Anyway, there she was, age three, and all, "Imma go potty on the BIG potty." Had she been my first, I probably would've taken a video and proudly showed it to every single person who crossed my path for the next six to nine months. But as she came last, she had to deal with the baggage I'd been carrying around my neck.

Baggage from her two brothers.

Now my first is autistic. He potty trained pretty easily, especially considering his sensory issues. But I'll never forget - no matter how hard I try, the memory of him, trying to get out the backdoor into the back yard. When I caught him and asked him what he was doing, he replied simply, "Going poopy like dogs."

My second, he has his own set of issues. Mainly, he's as stubborn as his mother and twice as reluctant to try anything new. At five, we've only recently gotten him to use the toilet with any regularity. I know, I know, you trained your kid at 11 months, which makes me an asshole for not being able to do it before then.

Kids, man.

So when my daughter was all, "IMMA USE THE POTTY," I'll admit that I had a moment of weakness. I considered shipping her off to one of those people who promise to potty train your kid in a weekend. I don't know what they do or how the do it - I picture it like a baby zoo with naked babies running around all over the damn place.

I didn't ship her off.

Instead, I bought her some undies and allowed her to pick out a brand-new potty seat for herself. She was beyond pleased with her choices and I was beyond pleased that she's been wearing underwear ever since.

Apparently, girls are pretty rad at potty training.

So she? Is just about done potty training. In under a week.

I'm beyond thrilled with her. And now? Should I have a love child some day? I probably won't be as terrified of potty training battles as I have been.



Image via juliegomoll/Flickr

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