envelopeAlarm clocks make horrible sounds that disrupt your sleep and sometimes make you wake up in a wretched mood. This is fact. This is also why there is coffee. But alarm clocks are a very necessary evil for those who have actual responsibilities to get somewhere on time. Unless you are one of those people who magically awakes in a great mood at exactly the right time every day. If that is you, please put the coffee on for me, thank you.

One woman's oldest son, however, really cannot handle the sound of an alarm clock. He talks about seriously inflicting some wicked wrath on it all because it woke him up and his mom wasn't home to shut it off. It's all documented in this twisted, quite prolific, but profanity-laced letter he left her.

Dear Mom,

Yet again I find myself under the torment of your nefarious and damnable alarm clock. Countless times past has this wretched device woken me from the bounds of sweet slumber, and countless not have its days become. I vow with this letter as my proof eternally that if once more I am torn from my dreams by the hellish cries of such a horrible instrument I will have no hesitation in wrapping it soundly in a plastic bag before dashing it into numerous pieces upon the driveway of our home, quite possibly implementing "The Justice" for a desirable end. Upon the justified ruin of your alarm clock I will joyously proceed to purchase you a replacement carefully opting in certainty for one that lacks a "daily" function. No, but seriously. If this piece of sh*t goes off one more time and you're not here I'm going to make it my bitch. I will fu*k this douche-incarnate sleep molester up so bad the recycling guys won't even be able to turn it into packing peanuts. The funeral is set for 10:00 AM. It's just up to you to decide the day that this assclown of an invention meets its sweet and justified demise. Also, that banana bread you made is fantastic.

Love, your oldest son

Well then. Maybe this mother-son duo has the type of relationship that allows for this kind of rambling complaint, but really kid? He sounds kind of spoiled or entitled. Maybe he's a budding writer and is practicing? It was entertaining. He may have a future. Though if my son grows up to pen a letter like this to me, well, I'm not certain how I would handle it, but it would not be okay.

I guess it's not that bad -- he is only threatening the alarm clock, not his mother. And hell, we've all wanted to smash the crap out of an alarm clock now and then, right? Still, I wonder what "The Justice" is?

Perhaps this oldest son is the picture of perfection. He must keep a perfectly tidy room. He must never borrow money to secretly buy beer (if he's underage) or stay out past curfew. Because if he was anything less than perfect, mom should be writing him these kind of letters on a daily basis, don't you think? But maybe she does. Maybe that's just how this family rolls. At least he complimented her banana bread.

What do you think of this letter? What would you do if your kid wrote a letter like this to you?

 

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