10 Reasons My Kids Drive Me to Drink

Being a Mom 60

I have three kids.

Three scampering, loud, (occasionally) smelly children who like to do things like empty an entire bag of powdered sugar onto their waffle when I'm not looking, or drink out of the cat's water dish while I'm in the bathroom.

Turns out that all those people who said, "three kids is a good number" neglected to mention one thing: three? That's a shitton of kids.

And thanks to them, I need to drink. Mama needs her medicine, right?


Here are the reasons my darling kids -- who I love more than life itself -- drive me to drink.

  1. They won't stop making those weird Nintendo noises when I ask them questions like, "Have you seen your sister?" or "Where are my pants?" or "Why is the cat in the microwave?"
  2. Everything is an emergency. From breaking a crayon to falling down the stairs, the level of emergency remains the same -- constant.
  3. Because they are incapable of playing games at a reasonable volume, preferring instead games like "run away screaming," "hit me while I scream," and "scream at me, while I'm screaming."
  4. They like to examine each other's poop before flushing. I can barely stand to be in the same room as their excrement, and there they are all, "OMG that's SO BIG."
  5. Because on any car trip over five miles, the levels of animosity in the back seat get so high that any object placed between two children will simply burst into flames.
  6. PTA meetings are SO much more interesting while intoxicated.
  7. Because anything the children touch becomes dirty or greasy. I can take them fresh out of a bath, with soap, towel them off, and then have to burn the carpeting in the next room. It's like magic!
  8. Because you can't have a blog named Mommy Wants Vodka if you don't, in fact, want vodka.
  9. Because the typical side effects to my simple request for a dishwasher to be unloaded include rolling eyes, tremors, violent crying, accusations of impoverishment, screaming, sulking, stomping, seizure, depression, and flatulence.
  10. Because you cry. Mommy drinks because you cry.


a mom's life


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nonmember avatar Missy

And people wonder why I only had one kid

nonmember avatar ashley foster

Hahahha i laughed at this. Yesterday was a bad day for me. I swear to god my child said the word 'mommy' about 2 times every minute. At one point i started vacuuming just so i didnt have to hear it. Omg.

notdo... notdown4games

Hahahahahaha you are so right. #3 is spot on in my house. They have a variation called "scream at me for screaming, as I hit you for screaming and I run away" now I want vodka lol

chigi... chigirl1228

@ashley...thats the reason I vacuum. #2 is my drama queen 4 yr old daughter. Yesterday she started screaming at a ridiculous volume that her shoe went down the slide before her. My elderly neighbors on one side and a house full of teenage boys on the other probably hate me.

Eques... EquestrianMom

LMAO! This was too funny :)

 Mine is mommy wants a drink cause daddy let you watch the family guy episode in which stewie calls his mommy "Mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mom, momma, momma, momma,"  Ok, you get the idea. So now if I don't answer my son promptly, he does this as well. Which gets him sent to his room and mommia a bloody mary! LMAO! 

b2kh108 b2kh108

OMG I am so with you on this!! Hilarious!

nonmember avatar AI

While I can see the humor, Aunt Becky is great with that and I know this is in jest, i I want to point out that these statements can often be taken seriously by children -in particular children, like myself, who grew up with an alcoholic parent. I took the blame on myself for years and often tried to figure out what I did wrong to make my dad drink. It will seriously screw up a child's feelings if self worth. So, while I can appreciate this article as an adult, the emotionally (sometimes physically) abused child in me needs to point out the reality of alcohol abuse and the blame many children place on themselves (though I'm not implying that anyone here is an alcoholic). My PTSD is so strong in this aspect that I refuse to ever drink, and being around people who are drinking, albeit responsibly, makes me terribly nervous. Just my two cents.

mama_... mama_rayray31

Hilarious and so true. I can only be asked "why?" so many times in a day before I feel the need to explode lol.

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