I have three kids.
Three scampering, loud, (occasionally) smelly children who like to do things like empty an entire bag of powdered sugar onto their waffle when I'm not looking, or drink out of the cat's water dish while I'm in the bathroom.
Turns out that all those people who said, "three kids is a good number" neglected to mention one thing: three? That's a shitton of kids.
And thanks to them, I need to drink. Mama needs her medicine, right?
Here are the reasons my darling kids -- who I love more than life itself -- drive me to drink.
- They won't stop making those weird Nintendo noises when I ask them questions like, "Have you seen your sister?" or "Where are my pants?" or "Why is the cat in the microwave?"
- Everything is an emergency. From breaking a crayon to falling down the stairs, the level of emergency remains the same -- constant.
- Because they are incapable of playing games at a reasonable volume, preferring instead games like "run away screaming," "hit me while I scream," and "scream at me, while I'm screaming."
- They like to examine each other's poop before flushing. I can barely stand to be in the same room as their excrement, and there they are all, "OMG that's SO BIG."
- Because on any car trip over five miles, the levels of animosity in the back seat get so high that any object placed between two children will simply burst into flames.
- PTA meetings are SO much more interesting while intoxicated.
- Because anything the children touch becomes dirty or greasy. I can take them fresh out of a bath, with soap, towel them off, and then have to burn the carpeting in the next room. It's like magic!
- Because you can't have a blog named Mommy Wants Vodka if you don't, in fact, want vodka.
- Because the typical side effects to my simple request for a dishwasher to be unloaded include rolling eyes, tremors, violent crying, accusations of impoverishment, screaming, sulking, stomping, seizure, depression, and flatulence.
- Because you cry. Mommy drinks because you cry.