I know. I don’t want to talk about it any more than you want to read about it but this shit is going to happen so buckle up, buttercup.

If you have a child, chances are that one day very soon you will have to sit them down and have "THE SEX TALK." Most likely you’ll put it off because they are still far too young to even know what sex is, and occasionally you’re right. I’m 38 and I’m pretty sure my father thinks I’m almost ready for the talk.

Most of us put it off until it’s too late and then your kid rolls her eyes says, “OHMYGOD, I already know all about this. I probably know more than you do.” And then you feel very relieved and then immediately horrified. This is why you have to hit them with the sex talk when they’re young enough to still be interested and unembarrassed but old enough to not tell all the other kindergartners what a labia is. It’s a fine line and each child is unique and probably already knows way more than you suspect. Plus, she learned it from dumb-ass kids who learned it from the Internet and bad rumors. 

Not only that, but nowadays porn isn't as hard to get as when we were kids. Now every 12-year-old boy thinks sex is supposed to look like an impossible porn shoot and every 12-year-old girl thinks they’re supposed to be married to glittery vampires. This is a recipe for disappointment and destruction on all sides. 

The first key to having the sex talk is to give yourself a refresher. Go onto Urban Dictionary and freak the shit out of yourself but looking up “Rusty Trombone” and “Canadian Backhoe.” Then move on to “Dirty Sanchez” and “Donkey Punches.” Then, never have sex again. But you NEED to know these things because your kid is going to ask you what they are and you don’t want them thinking this is all perfectly normal stuff that you do all the time. Except that (now that I think about it) maybe you do want that because that will probably keep them from ever doing it. If you tell your kid how every Thursday night her dad gives you a "Cleveland Steamer," chances are she’ll associate every scatological sex act with old people and you've just saved her from a life of being shit on. Literally.

It’s also important that you know the slang because your child will ask you what certain terms are. The other day I was with two highly-educated friends and one asked if we’d ever heard of a salad bowl. I had. It’s what you put salad in. Then she explained that it was a sex act her daughter had asked her about and that’s when I said, “Oh, do you mean ‘tossing someone’s salad'?" and then I had to explain it. I’m not going to explain it here because I just ate, but it’s disgusting and will probably give you cholera. She’d also never heard of tea-bagging, donkey punching, or The Human Centipede. It was disconcerting. For both of us. And that’s why you need to do your research now. Learn what two-girls-one-cup is (BUT NEVER WATCH IT). Be aware of sexting and tell your kids the dangers of their naked pictures circulating around the school for the rest of their lives.

Above all, tell them the truth. The mother of one of my junior high girlfriends told us that you could get pregnant by letting a boy whisper in your ear. She backed this up with the Bible, pointing out that that’s how Mary got pregnant with Jesus. I countered that if Mary got pregnant by God whispering in her ear, then it's no wonder people say the voice of God will make you lose your mind. God clears his throat and the whole state'll get pregnant. Soon after that my friend wasn't allowed to speak to me anymore, and then the next year she had a baby. Probably because she was only worried about protecting her ear holes and was a little too loose with her other orifices. I’m not really sure. We weren't close by then.

What I am sure about though is it that it's important to talk to you kids and to keep an open line of communication with them. Keep your ear to the streets. Let them ask you questions, and be ready for the hard stuff. That’s what I’m doing with my daughter. 

Just as soon as she turns 39.