Lesson 31: SHUT UP, YOU GUYS

Being a Mom 70

catNormally this column is all about my terrible advice to you on child-rearing. Most people enjoy it or just avoid it but some of you seem intent on calling me out as being a terrible parent in spite of the fact that this column is called "Ill-Advised" for a reason. In fact, I recently got an email implying that I didn't even have a child. Which is ridiculous. I have a 7-year-old named Hailey that I stole so I could write this column in good faith. BECAUSE ETHICS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME.

Also, I stole her from heroin addicts so stop judging me. It took six months just to get her off the horse and she still complains that she has bugs under her skin.  

In short, I am like some kind of a goddamn saint. But in case you still think I'm lying, I have decided to share an hour in the life of my daughter with you.

YOU ARE WELCOME AMERICA. And Canada. And ... whoever else is here.

Let's begin:

Hailey is an only child, so she has a lot of playdates with cats. Especially Ferris Mewler because he's the smallest and least likely to rip her face off when she dresses him up for tea parties.

Today was a special tea party, celebrating the birth (and consequent death two hours later) of a new batch of sea monkeys and Ferris was dressed to the nines.

Fuck you guys. I look FABULOUS.


Hailey poured, and Ferris plotted his escape.

"Why are there zombies on your saucer? Seriously. That's fucked up."

Then Ferris decided to pour. Unintentionally. Probably.

The key to pouring is using cups instead of carpet. Ferris was unaware of this. Apparently.

For a cat blessed with opposable thumbs you'd think he'd be better at this.

Also, you're supposed to eat finger sandwiches. Not your pretty coat. Just a suggestion.


Hailey didn't seem to mind though. At least Ferris was acting more appropriate than the stuffed lemur who was already drunk.

The many moods of a tea party.

But in the end, a good time was had by all.

Even Ferris:

"I'm peeing all over your room when this is over."



To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.


Lmfao, i love your posts. I laughed so hard at the petty coat eating, and the drunk lemur face down in his apparently spiked tea. Haha, good job. Totally just made my day with this. Btw, hailey is really cute. =)

nonmember avatar andi1

heroin, not heroine. Don't you guys have a proof-reader?

nonmember avatar S


MrsMo... MrsMomtimes2

This is hilarious! Thank you Jenny; I love reading your articles! 


PonyC... PonyChaser

I don't know which I enjoy more, your posts or some of the comments...

Mama2... Mama2MonkeyBoys

I'm laughing so hard right now. Thank you.

You should go steal another kid, so she doesn't have to torture your cats though. :oD

rayel... rayella009

smilei have always loved your posts and can not wait for more!

nonmember avatar a

Hailey looks beautiful in her red dress!

1-10 of 70 comments 12345 Last