The 10 Questions You Never Want Your Kid to Ask

on January 19, 2012 at 2:27 PM

My dad has a joke he loves to tell about parenting. "You can't wait until they walk," he says, "you can't wait until they talk, and then when they do, you just wish they'd sit down and shut up." If you didn't laugh, you haven't hit the question stage.

Twenty questions is for amateurs. My 6-year-old can ask 100. In 20 minutes. Well, give or take -- it really depends more on how long I take to answer, not how long it takes her to come up with another one. The bounds of her imagination are endless, which is why I'm calling bull pucky on a survey that claims parents' biggest fear is that their kids will ask them science and math questions that they can't answer.

Really? Have these people never heard of the Internet? It's this nifty thing you can now access from anywhere with a smartphone when your kid wants you to detail the entire paper-making process from the tree to their kindergarten classroom.

But then there are the really hard questions. You know -- the ones that you think you're prepared for because you're a free-wheeling, honest parent who plans to detail the sex process, masturbation, what have you in a thoughtful, truthful way. No matter how ready you think you are, you're always afraid you're going to fumble it. So if you want to be really scared, try dealing with one of these gems out of the mouth of your babe:

1. How did I get inside your tummy? And none of this love stuff, I want to know exactly how Daddy put me in there.

2. Why do my friend Susie's four brothers and sisters all have different daddies?

3. Why doesn't Auntie's underwear cover her butt? Is it too small; is that why it's stuck in the middle like that?

4. What's this vibrating thing I found in the drawer of your dresser when I was looking for tissues?

5. Can the cat die before the dog, please? Because I really don't like him that much.

6. Why do you look so OLD?

7. Is my teacher not married because she's ugly?

8. What if I said I don't care if it would make my belly hurt, could I eat the whole box of cookies then?

9. Mommy, can I have a blow pop please? I'd like to do a blow job.

10. Why is Uncle sleeping on the floor in the bathroom with his pants down around his ankles?

Kind of making you wistful for a good old-fashioned "tell me why the sky is blue," huh? What's the hardest question your kids have come up with?

Image via tj scenes/Flickr

About the author Jeanne Sager

writes articles for The Stir by day, slays closet monsters and bounds through bedtime stories with her elementary schooler by night. Diet Pepsi courses through her veins. The Phineas and Ferb soundtrack reverberates through her brain.

Filed Under: family

Comments (13)

RhondaVeggie

on Jan 19, 2012 at 2:41 PM

I think the worst one I got wasn't really a question. He told me that one of his friends was boasting about having lots of sex with his girlfriend. Given they are in first grade I was pretty certain this kid was not only speaking nonsense but probably didn't have a great grasp of what exactly he was saying. We sat down and I explained that this boy was not having sex and likely didn't know what it was, just that it was something that grownups sometimes do when they are in love with each other. I wouldn't have objected to him asking what sex is but I was a bit thrown by him saying that his six year old friend was doing it!

Still, talking to him wasn't quite as bad as talking to his teacher about it. Talking to a first grade teacher about sex just seems wrong.

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AliNoelle

on Jan 19, 2012 at 2:47 PM

Yeah my brilliant husband was listening to Too Short the other night and my 8 year old was around. Then he asked me what a blow job was. I am usually pretty honest and straightforward when my children ask me questions but I couldn't do it with this one. I told him I would tell him when he is older but now I'm afraid he'll ask his friends..... Not sure what to do really.

Cafe Amy

on Jan 19, 2012 at 3:25 PM

@AliNoelle My mom told me what a blow job was when I was 5 because I had overheard my older brothers referencing a line in a move they'd seen. I thought it was the most disgusting thing I had ever heard but - to this day - I appreciate her honesty. Rather you tell him... because who knows what the kids at school will tell him.

cassie_kellison

on Jan 19, 2012 at 3:30 PM

Now that I am expecting our second child, I get "how did it get in there" questions from my first born all the time, and he doesnt go for "daddy's love put the baby in there" And naturally he asks in public.

Nonmember comment from SmartyPants

on Jan 19, 2012 at 3:38 PM

1. We had sex. I will explain how exactly that works at a later time.

2. Sounds like Susie's mom had sex with 4 different men.

3.Your aunt is wearing underwear called a "thong". Those have been declared "out-of-style" by various fashion magazines for years.

4. (This would never happen to me. I don't beat my meat.)

5. (This would never happen to me. I don't want any more pets ever again. I'm enjoying living in a clean home.)

6. Because I AM OLD.

7. Why don't you ask her yourself?

8. I said NO. That's final.

9. Do you know what a "blow job" is? No? Well then don't talk about things unless you know what they are.

10. Your uncle is a loser. If you don't stay in school, this is what your future will look like. (This would never happen anyway at my house, because I'd call an ambulance on him to remove him from my house.)

By the way, the sky is blue because of the angle that the sun's rays shine through the atmosphere. Thats also why the sunsets appear different colors, such as orange, pink, and red.

Nonmember comment from B

on Jan 19, 2012 at 3:40 PM

My sister has taught her young daughters that when people get married, God sends them a baby. Well, since I was not married when I got pregnant, they were pretty curious! I just told them, "Well, I don't know. God just knew I wanted a baby so He gave me one!" Fair enough.

Nonmember comment from LoneRanger

on Jan 19, 2012 at 3:53 PM

My 6 yr old asks "Mom, a long time ago, when you were a little girl, were you a farmer?"

I was innocently tweezing my eyebrows at the time and was used to her off-the-wall questions. I answered "No."

She continued..."Then why do you have one of those things to whip horses?"

Oh dear lawd!! I got this little leather whip at a passion party a couple of years ago but I had it in a box in a shelf in a closet!! She got to it somehow!! All I could think of was "I found it! Stop going through my things!!" LOL!!

EquestrianMom

on Jan 19, 2012 at 5:04 PM

Lmao! These are good ones :P "Mommy, why is that lady so much fatter then you?" What exactly, do you say to that? That doesn't make you rude? I tell him it is hurtful to point out the difference between people, Mommy doesn't like to hear she has big feet for her size, and that pretty lady is bigger then mommy because she is built different, Mommy is built like a stick and she is not, and thats just how it is, just like Daddy is bigger then mommy and you are smaller. And then I pray I haven't been insulting to anyone!

momtolittleg

on Jan 19, 2012 at 10:18 PM

Oh, god. #4. I have GOT to get a lock on that drawer before that question comes to pass.

manderspanders

on Jan 19, 2012 at 10:58 PM

My parents like to embarrass me with the story that when I was little (4 or 5) and being hyper or jumpy that they would tell me to stop or calm down. My response was that I couldn't because "my ovaries made me do it"
Have no clue what made me say that! Lol