In a new book called Childism: Confronting Our Prejudice Against Children, late psychoanalyst and scholar Elisabeth Young-Bruehl discusses what she calls "childism," something she defines as the general way our culture views children as inferior beings and thus sets them up for a lifetime of inferiority complexes. The book looks fascinating and while reviews suggest I might not agree with her overall premise (she believes every time a teacher assigns too much homework, they are being "childist"), I do agree with the idea that our culture is childist.
We talk a big game about being family-friendly and that we appreciate "family values," but when it comes down to it, people seem to hate children and the mamas who produce them.
Maybe it's because we live in a culture that celebrates the individual over the community, but there is often the strong sense that "your kid and your breeding habits are not my problem." And sure, I agree. If we take out the fact that MY KIDS WILL BE WIPING YOUR GERIATRIC BEHIND good sir who just slammed the door in my face at the grocery store. But I digress. Here are a few examples of child-hating I have seen just in recent months:
- The Stroller Eye-Roller: What is it about double strollers? People just sneer at them when they see us coming down the sidewalk. I get it, they are big. I know this especially because I am usually the one pushing it. But come on, do you really have to mumble under your breath about my SUV sized stroller and my selfishness? My children are loud, but not that loud. I CAN HEAR YOU.
- The Disturbed Citizen: My kids are generally well-behaved in public, but we sometimes stay out too long past nap time or we try to run too many errands in a single day and the result is meltdown city. I am fine with this. I get my kids out of the cart and leave as quickly as possible. But I can't count the number of times I have been on my way out the door and someone has made a snide remark about "breeders and their screaming brats" or some other nonsense. Hey you! Over there with the cellphone saying my kids are loud! Yeah, you! Guess what?! Your "conversation" is far more rude and disruptive than my kids are any day. Take that!
- The "Adults Only" Bridezilla: I am a complete hypocrite here because I had an adults only wedding. In my defense, I was 25. I didn't know any better. Also, I don't like having my kids at weddings, so even if you do me the courtesy of welcoming my children, I will almost invariably leave them with a sitter. After all, mama can't get her drink on and dance the Mambo with kids in tow; however, for an out of town wedding where I don't have any local sitter, I may have no choice. Unless you provide a sitter, "adults only" weddings are pretty childist.
- The Childless Facebook Friend: What is WRONG with the people who constantly say they hate kid photos on Facebook? If you don't like to see children smiling and adorable on the book that has a face, maybe YOU are the one with the problem. Don't click if you don't like it. Jeesh.
- The Starbucks Door Slammer: Generally, I believe in the art of holding doors. If I see an elderly woman, I hold the door. If I see a man who has too many bags, I hold the door. If I see a PERSON who needs HELP, I hold the door. But some people seem to love to slam doors on parents just on principle. A friend told me she was once jammed in a door with her double stroller, weighed down with groceries, and a man jumped over her stroller to get out the door. It's just bad manners, people.
- The Subway Riding Hipster: This is a controversial one since some people believe they're entitled to the seat if they get there first. And I agree. But I also believe MORE that we are a community of people and we should love our neighbor and help them while they're in need. This translates to: Stand up, please, you oblivious hipster wearing suspenders and a bolo hat. Your able body can take these jerks and stops better than a mom's nine-month belly can if she falls.
- Old Ladies in Public: A friend told me that recently she was in the CHILD'S section of a concert when a couple of older women came up to her daughter and told her to be quiet. "I am trying to listen," the woman said. Mind you, she was in the kids' section, not the other way around. Maybe there should have been a "killjoy old lady" section, too?
What ways have you experienced child hate?
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Comments 269
The next time you see a child having a melt-down in public...consider this: How can you tell if it's a bad child...or a good child who is simply having a bad moment? Kids are not robots. No matter what we teach them, sometimes they're just going to do what the're going to do. Furthermore, they are not mini-adults either. They are budding humans whose brains are still developing (this is why you can't remember much from early childhood). They are still learning how to control impulses & emotions. Deal with it. You were "that kid" on more than one occation, too. I'm sure of it.
This is great vent! I haven't experienced a lot of what you mention personally - and I have 2 kids, one with mild special needs, and I lived the meltdowns, carry on, etc. BUT, in fairness to the rest of the world, I always made it my priority to make sure that my kids' antics were "contained" and I took the worst of it myself. I mean, for example, at church, my husband and I sat with our kids in the very back, separated them between us, had the one with mild special needs between us, so anything he did WE took the brunt of, and made as sure as possible he didn't touch or bother others in the church. After Mass, people would come up and tell us "how well behaved" our boys were ..... while my experience was anything but!!!! That's how well we "contained" their behavior so as not to bother others. If more parents were a bit more concerned about their kids' behaviors NOT imposing on others, I think the "childists" would have less to hold against parents.
I did experience the wedding for no kids in my (DH's actually) family ..... my sons were old enough by that time to behave .... and they would have LOVED to be part of this event. I really felt hurt by the choice of the bride and her family for this .... I had NO choice by NOT to go to the wedding myself. My husband went alone (it was his family), but if my sons even knew they were being excluded, they would have really felt hurt. I stayed with them, took them out for the day, and we never told them there was a family wedding, using the excuse that daddy had to attend a Saturday function for work. I hated lying to them, but the alternative was too hurtful. I am SO grateful that my cousin, just a few months ago, included my sons in her wedding - not only inviting them, but as ring bearers! (both of them!) - and they had a great and memorable time that evening. My cousin actually did the coolest thing - she had NO ADULTS in the wedding party --- only kids (ages 10-12, with one younger sister of one of the girls)! I respect her so much for what she did! And for the bridezilla's who are so anti-kids ..... you are really missing out if you don't think about having kids being part of your day.
Oh for pete's sake! I don't have kids, but I love them and I want some of my own eventually. I have to say, though, that your article is complete malarky. You love your children, which is great. But the world does not revolve around you or your children. Your children do not get preferential treatment any more than adults do. There are places your children are not welcome and that's okay. Yes, there are buttheads in the world, but the trick is to remember that you're not the only person who has bad days, or gets distracted, or snaps when they don't mean to. Your kids probably get on your last nerve sometimes, and that's okay, but they also get on other people's last nerves sometimes and you have to understand that that's okay, too. In short, get over yourself!
Quite frankly, I HAVE seen a lot of rudeness in the past decade or so, but I don't think it's all aimed at children specifically. I think it's just a level of extreme self-centeredness that seems to be more pervasive today. For example, the example of the rude Starbucks customer that jumped over the stroller? I had a similar occurrence on my honeymoon in Vegas. I had twisted my knee and was temporarily confined to a wheelchair, and this guy walking down the sidewalk jumped OVER my extended leg. I've seen Paris Hilton wannabes at the airport that took available seats, staring down an obviously fragile elderly couple that were headed for the same seats. Unfortunately, many people nowadays seem to have lost all sense of empathy, compassion, patience, and mostly the ability to put their own needs aside for a moment for the sake of someone else. Children are just one group of people that don't fit into their "me"-centric point of view. Let's face it, our children are often anything but "convenient" at times. But then, that's why they're born having Mama Bears like us, to stand up for them. ;)
I have five kids. Now ages 11-20 and I've never come across that before... well, I have, but in retrospect. We often had people come up to us in restaurants or campgrounds (we lived on the road for three years whent he kids were little) and tell us, "Wow, when you first pulled in/walked in, we saw all those kids and thought, "great, they're going to ruin our meal/vacation" but then your kids were so well behaved and polite that we had to come by and say something.
I personally don't have a thought in the world if someone is in public with their children. I DO however have thoughts when I hear parents in public cussing out their children (which happens far too often) or they are coddling disrespectful brats.
And no, my children aren't perfect, and neither am I, but there ARE children that I don't like, just like there are parents and adults without children that I don't like I'm not childist, I'm against anyone who is a brat. Young or old.
I don't hate children but a couple of things people do do annoy me. When a mother keeps talking loudly to her child and looking around as if she wants attention and when people in strollers act as if they have the right to take up all the space in any venue instead of allowing space for others to pass. We get you have a baby/toddler...that doesn't mean you get to act like jerks and block everyone's access.