Sit in a room full of parents, and you're probably going to see a lot of hand wringing, and hear a lot of worrywarts. And now I'm going to give y'all something to really worry about. There comes a day when your kid is going to start making her own friends. Be afraid, be very afraid.
Trust me. We're there. We're at the point where the kiddo is in first grade and hanging on the monkey bars with all sorts of riff raff. Or so it feels.
The class list reads like a huge pile of unknowns. Of her classmates, I would say I know the parents of exactly two kids well. A few more are acquaintances. And then there are the ones I know but can't stand, but the majority I could trip over in the supermarket, and I wouldn't have the foggiest.
It's put me in the not-so-comfy position of being the mean mom who has to put her foot down on her first grader's friends. I'm the first to admit I'm limiting her. But I haven't yet figured out how to call her potential playmate's mom and say, "So, would you have a problem if I came over and inspected your house and got a list of any known criminals who might drop by so that we can get these two crazy kids together sometime?"
So when she comes home and asks for a playdate with Susie Q, I've tired of trying to explain to the 6-year-old that I don't know Susie Q's mom, so it isn't going to work out. Instead, I've begun suggesting alternate playmates. What about Chase? Or Will? Or that one little girl in your class whose mom I went to high school with and therefore I can say with some authority is not a total whackadoodledo?
Yes, I tell her who to be friends with. And I hate myself a little more every time I do it. What kind of mom sets her kid up to be exclusionary? To form a clique?
But every time I start to get down on myself, the sane mom voice in the back of my head reminds me that we live in a rural community where plenty of people have guns in their homes, but not everyone actually locks them up. It tells me that the sex offender registry only accounts for the creeps who have been caught. It reminds that ours is a state where the "fenced in pool" requirement can mean there's a huge water hazard in the middle of a fenced-in-yard, and the 6-year-old is still refusing to actually learn to swim.
I'm not afraid of my kid making her own bosom buddies because I can't stand the idea that one day she won't be writing me notes that say "I love you, you are my best friend." Well, OK, maybe a little bit. But the real reason I'm still picking my kid's friends is one I'm not embarrassed to share: I want to keep her safe.
How do you make sure your kids' friends are "safe" options?
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Comments 40
Support her to develop social skills. Have open dialogue along the way. Open your heart to this world. Yes you may come accross people who do not have good parental skills. Identify them and explain your concern with your daughter. Perhaps only limit play dates with these children at your house.
You have obviously never raised a teenager and have no idea what is coming later. Just don't assume you will have this power over this little girl for ever. You may be in for a rude shock, and your daugher may not have been equiped with the relevent social skills to negotiate the teenage years. Where her peers will also effect her decisions.
I have to agree with meatball on this one... I'm also a military spouse with kids, and it's hard enough to move in to a new neighborhood and make friends with out parents like you making it harder for them.
I agree with the others. The skill of navigating friendships is one that is necessary for the rest of your daughter's life. What are you going to do in junior high and high school!? Around 5th grade the kids start gravitating towards kids with similar interests and it isn't necessarily the ones that they were friends with in kindergarten. Also kids change as the get older, some that were complete sweethearts earlier are snarly teens as they go into puberty. There should be a happy medium and unfortunately you haven't found it.
I generally haven't picked my child's friends, but I didn't make it easy for her to see the friends that I found unseemly (a rather rare occurrence).
Just once did I have a situation where I was absolutely against her forming a friendship, and it was with two young neighbor girls. Their parents were just absolute trash, and the sort of folks who would've used our kids friendship as an entry to having some sort of relationship with me and my husband. My husband thought I was being snobby, but it turned out another set of new neighbors made the mistake of becoming "friends" with those people, and had a whole host or problems related to the trashy couple's lack of boundaries. When my husband found out, he was actually pretty glad I had put a stop to the friendship. I felt bad for those girls, but their parents were just not the sort of people you want in your life, particularly if they live next door and you can't get away from them.
in one instance, you really do sound like a snob. there is no one to judge a child and the parents at face value, or where the live or that they may not live in a neighborhood llike yours. i have told my child how important good friends are. friends will shape your life more than most things...bad friends, make bad decisiions and more trouble. luckily my dd is not a social butterfly and prefers to have 1-2 friends than a whole pack. she has a great head on her shoulders. our neighborhood kids often don't treat her well, so she doesn't play with them and i doubt she ever will. even if she is lonely, she will find something to do on her own or call a friend from school. i am SO proud of her for being so strong her in convictions and beliefs. she will not put up with anyone being mean to her, even girls she thought were her friends. i feel that her learning these tough life lessons, will make her life much easier later. yes we should monitor our children's friends, but you have to be careful not to be superficially judgemental. you may be turning away one of the best friend's you and your child may ever know. as for the kids who are good kids, but come from "bad" familes, invite them over to your house so they can feel love and support/
@KenneMaw: Would you let your kid hang out with kids who parents were drunks, thieves (as per their own father- I later found out), had lots of guns and several vicious dogs (and criminal records, it turns out)? Yeah, I was judging at face value- and I was right. No one in that house was going to be a good friend to anyone, as my other poor neighbors found out. In fact, they turned out to be precisely the kind of people that anyone with any sense would stay far away from. I do not feel compelled to give everyone a chance to insinuate themselves into my family life out of some misguided "we are the world" sort of impulse. My job is to keep MY children safe. Jeez- so many of you mothers on this forum mistake "judging" for "good judgement."
My kids will pick their friends. I will be okay with their friends until they prove me wrong.