10 Kid Friend 'Types' Parents Can't Stand to Have Over

One of the joys of having babies is being able to hand pick each of your child's friends based almost entirely on what you think of the parents and how they parent. Unfortunately, almost as soon as they enter pre-school, that ability flies out the window. Most of the time, for me, it has been more of a dislike of the parents than any child themselves (my children are both under 6). But there is the occasional nightmare child, and my friends who have older children tell me it only gets worse.

Since I am the type of person who thinks all babies are cute, I sort of assumed I would be the one who thought all kids were charming, too. Not so. Not so at all. All kids are most certainly NOT charming. Some are downright weird or obnoxious.

After asking around, I compiled a list of the top 10 most obnoxious kid types your kid will befriend. This way you can spot them in advance and steer your kid toward the cool kids with the moms who make good margaritas. Here they are:

  • The One Who REALLY Wants to Please You: This kid is so sweet and perfect and adorable in every way, but beneath that polite exterior, you know a demon spawn is lurking. Behind closed doors, you hear him plotting: "Let's play a game where I punch you in the stomach 10 times," he tells your kid. Then it's all Mrs. this and Mr. that to mom and dad. Beware. You have seen The Omen. You know this.
  • The One Who Is Perfect: She is adorable and prim and proper and her mom does everything much better than you. "Oh, I can't eat that," she says about your kid's meal of hot dogs and macaroni. "Mommy says that she would never feed me something like that." She may also ask why your house is so small or your bathroom so messy. And after she leaves the play date, you feel like crying.
  • The One Who Picks His Nose: This kid is sweet and cute, but he has nasty habits like picking his nose and eating it or stuffing his hands down his pants and smelling them afterward. You want to like him, but seriously. Gross. Stop doing that.
  • The One Who Knows What You Need to Do: This little girl comes over to the house and tells your child how to eat, how to play, how to hit a ball, watch TV, and pet the dog. She is bossy, bossy, bossy and your kid just falls into line. After she leaves, you have to deprogram your kid. 
  • The Sociopath: You catch this kid hitting your dog with a wiffle ball bat and pulling your cat's tail. You totally want to see the good in everyone, but this kid makes you want to perform an exorcism. 
  • The One Who Has Seen Too Much TV: You try to shield your kids from too much commercialization, but this kid is there with his video games, R-rated movie knowledge, and celebrity trivia questions to undo all of your hard work. 
  • The Overly Sexual One: When I was 6, I had a friend who found her mom's Ben-Wa balls (little balls used for masturbation) and brought them over for a play date. Yeah. My mom wasn't a huge fan. Luckily nothing so dramatic has happened with my kids, but I am not a fan of the kids who only want to talk about kissing and boys when my daughter would prefer to play with her Magna-tiles.
  • The Violent One: This kid takes karate and fancies himself a little Steven Seagal. Your son, who previously knew nothing of weaponry, is now obsessed with guns and knives. Thanks, kid!
  • The Klepto-Friend: When this kid comes over, things go missing. Small things, like matchbox cars and Barbie outfits, as well as big things -- silverware and small appliances -- all seem to disappear when he is around. You would talk to his dad except his dad is in prison. For forgery. Awesome.
  • The Bad Influence: You can't find anything overtly wrong with this child, but every time he comes over, your kid gets into trouble. It's uncanny. Wait, maybe his mom is writing this list about your child. No way. Not possible. Your kid is perfect, right? This kid is just a bad influence!

What friends does your kid have that you can't stand?


Image via anolobb/Flickr

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