I should have known. I should have remembered. I should have freaking known.
The week between Christmas and New Years Eve is the worst week to be a parent. The kids have a week off, they're suffering a Christmas hangover, and I'm trying to dig myself out from under the pile of boxes I've been trying (in vain) to recycle while I try to get some work done.
This week would've been so much easier if I'd simply prepared for it. If I'd had half a brain, I'd have simply done it. Mental note: next year, follow these steps.
- Prepared a constant IV infusion of vodka so that I might actually stand a chance at being drunk on New Years.
- Found a babysitter for those pesky times I had to go to the hospital and care for my husband after his emergency appendectomy.
- See also: number one.
- Made some sacrifice to the Weather Gods in the hopes that it would actually snow.
- Made some sacrifice to the Gods of Fairness to regrow my appendix so I'd be the one requiring emergency abdominal surgery and a blissful hospitalization.
- Go back in time and brush my teeth more thoroughly so that I would not require emergency oral surgery at precisely the same time my husband's appendix decided to act up.
- Create a robot monkey butler to care for both my husband and I while we each recovered from minor surgery.
- Get 25 extra cans of colored play-doh so that you still have colors after the kids mush together all of the cans that came with the play-sets.
- Bought 24 AA batteries to supply all of the toys that require them.
- Bought a tarp large enough to cover the whole back yard, so that I could send the kids outside to play in the mud, as, thanks to the Weather Gods, there is no snow.
- Hired a maid service ahead to come once a day between the 25th and the 2nd so that my house stood a chance.
- Bought a third television so that there's no fighting about who gets to watch what.
- Called your accountant and told him to find a way to get all these things written off as "business expenses" since every day on Winter Break is "take your child to work day" when you work from home.
- Greased the inside door knobs on all the children's rooms so that they can't get out without parental help.
- Bought ear plugs to avoid listening to husband's whining about aforementioned abdominal surgery.
- Reminded The Twitter that you were serious when you said they could take your kids for free at any time.
- Stocked up on Pixie Sticks, so that the kids can have about 4 each RIGHT BEFORE my husband gets home, so that he can see what your day was like without having to ask.
- Rented an extra garbage can from the garbage company, so that you have somewhere to put all the wrapping from Christmas.
- Arranged to donate 53 pounds of Christmas candy to some charitable organizations.
- Bought hair dye for cat, Mr. Sprinkes, to dye his coat back to it's natural color after it's been markered up by the kids.
Are you going crazy this week?