I'm a big fan of embarrassing people. My family has  a longstanding tradition of shaming one another, just for fun, so I grew up in an environment where I couldn't go to the bathroom without someone asking me if I was "going to take a poop." At age 20.

Really, there's been nothing more exciting to me than having kids of my own. Kids who made my skin sag, my nipples leak, and who don't allow me to use the bathroom without an audience.

Well, it's time (rubs hands craftily) to pay them back.

  1. Ask your preteen daughter anything about underwear. In fact, bring up underwear at any feasible point, especially if her friends are around. There's nothing preteens like more than to talk about their underwear.

  2. Kiss them goodbye. Hell, kiss them hello! Just make sure to plant a big fat kiss on their cheek at every available opportunity. We all know how much preteens love to be associated with their Mommy.

  3. Send notes in their lunch bag and sign them "Love, Mommy." Why? Because there's nothing more awesome than pulling out their peanut butter sandwich and dropping a note from Mom in front of the boy (or girl) she's crushing on.

  4. Write on their Facebook wall. Obsessively. There's nothing a tween likes more than seeing a zillion, "I Love You's" from their mom on their Facebook wall.

  5. Chaperon him on his first date. Be sure to regale your son and his date with all kinds of stories about "when he was a baby." If possible, whip out a photo album and punctuate each story with a picture. Naked baby pictures are the best.

  6. Whenever possible, walk with your child INTO the school wearing a robe, bunny slippers and hair curlers. Be sure to introduce yourself as "Your Child's Mom." Why? Every kid loves to see their Mom marching around the school dressed to the nines.

 

What other ways can you embarrass your preteen? I need some new ideas!


Image via frankjuarez/Flickr