Comments Sections Bring Out Worst in Stay-at-Home Moms


The Mommy Wars may never end. Both working mothers and stay-at-home mothers feel the incessant, constant need to justify their positions, but whenever a study comes out saying working mothers are happier than their stay-at-home counterparts (which, by the way, is so true in my case), the comments on such articles are just vicious. Isn't part of being a mom having some compassion? One wouldn't know it from the comments sections on the Internet.

Isn't anyone besides me sick of this yet?

A recent study showing that working moms (and particularly part-time working moms) are happier than stay-at-home moms brought out the worst in Internet commenters, mostly the stay-at-home ones.

In an article in Time Magazine about the study, someone comments:

Does the study go into what it's like for a child to be dropped off at daycare @ 6:30/7:00 in the morning and picked up after 5:00? How healthy is it for a child to be taken care of someone that gets paid hardly above minimum wage and a majority of the time has no vested interest in the child/children they are caring for?

I am not sure who thinks this is appropriate or kind to write. And it also makes me sad that someone is so desperate to justify their own choices (and so clearly miserable) that they're lashing out in the comments. While she is busy bashing working moms, who do you think is taking care of her kids?

Also, it's huge leap to always assume daycare. No working mother I know has the exact same childcare arrangement. There are nannies, moms who work at home with mother's helpers, sports camps, Hebrew school after-school care, grandparents, home day-cares, and center-based day-cares. Many children thrive in these programs. They learn not only that they're independent people capable of spending time away from mom and dad, but also that they can trust other people besides just mom and dad.

Clearly, judging from the comments, stay-at-home moms really are feeling unhappy and in need of some validation for their choices. I was a stay-at-home mom for three years, so I know how isolating it can be and how hard it is. It's a good choice and one I believed in when I made it. But once my youngest was about 2, I stopped enjoying it, so I went back to work.

Having been on both sides of this study, I know it was true for me. I am much, much happier as a part-time working mother who works out of my home. Both of my kids are in school, and when they come home, they're usually with a sitter. I see them, but on the days I work, I am working in my home office. And yes, I am much, much happier.

Here is another anonymous comment in our own comments section:

I'd rather my kids be better off than put myself and my career first. Not every one gets a choice, but those who choose to work over staying at home are choosing themselves over their kids. If you don't want to raise your own kids, then don't have them!

Only someone who was horribly unhappy would make such an angry comment. They are kind of proving the point of the article, no?

The fact is, everyone's lives are different. There is no one right, uniform choice all women should make. We all do what is right, both for our families and for ourselves. Both choices are valid and good and both working moms and stay-at-home moms work their tails off.

So why the hate? Can't we drop this already?


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tinyp... tinypossum

Yes, I am totally and completely sick of this issue. Both sides (and I won't say which one I'm on) say nasty, stupid things just to make themselves feel better. There's enough guilt attached to motherhood as it is. We don't need to dish it out on the internet just to validate ourselves. We're all doing what is best for our families. 

hotic... hoticedcoffee

So, you wrote a whole article re-hashing the "insults", while making your own assumptions, in order to get people to drop it?  You know who does something like that?  Someone who feels guilty about her choices, and needs to justify them to feel better.  Just sayin'.

AliNo... AliNoelle

It really bothers me too. I've been both a SAHM and a working mom. I don't understand why we as women can not just come together with the one thing we have in common. Motherhood. It's hard and wonderful, exhausting and exhilerating and over all rewarding. There is no reason to tear one another down because we don't all do things the same way. I refuse to judge someone because they choose to do things differently than I do. Love to ALL mommies.

fraoch fraoch

Ah, we're all judgemental bitches ;)

I was lucky enough to be have a choice in what I wanted and I chose to stay home w/my kids. My girls are 6 years apart so when I had my seconds, I felt I should stay home with her as well b/c it was only fair. The economics of our country didn't agree though and I went back to work, part time, when she was 5. I worked nights, my husband watched the girls for about a year and a half and it was hell. I feel a bit guilty I went to work b/c she didn't get my undivided attention like her sister did, I ended up quitting. They are both in school full time now so I clean houses. I'm home in the mornings and evenings when they need me to be & can take them to work with me if I have to, we're all happy :)

starr... starrsitter

I've been both and the first comment you reference about the toll it takes on the child to be dropped off (in our case at 7 am) and picked up nearly 9 hours later WAS one of the main reasons we decided to find a way for me to stay home.  My son was miserable.  When I switched and he started going for three hours of the actual Montessori preschool program in the morning, he LOVED it.  We were all happier.  There were some sacrifices made, but it was the best choice for us. 

I think a lot of people who are in that situation DO worry about just that.  Acknowledging that people might worry about it doesn't mean I'm judging people who have to do it.

jpfsmom jpfsmom

I work from home so I have the best of both worlds I guess. I have admiration for both sides although I will say there is a certain fringe element of SAHM that plague these blogs with their sanctinmonius b.s. I can only imagine their offspring will grow up to be arrogant,bratty know it alls with no friends that can't function in the real world (in fact I've seen the results of that). All I can say is good luck.

babya... babyanderson

I think if you read a few of the comments sections in the cafe mom posts you will see that its not only the issue of being a working or SAHM but its about everything! I guarantee you will find at least one nasty comment aimed at the author in every story (see above). Some women are just miserable bitches about EVERYTHING.

Rhond... RhondaVeggie

Writing an article about how terrible it is when people point out how awful it is for kids to be stuck in daycare almost all their waking hours is exactly the wrong way to start a peace talk. Why do you assume that only someone horribly unhappy would point out that dumping your kids in daycare so you can have lots of fun money?

We know that you don't like being a mom, every other article you write is about how you have do much other stuff going on. Now maybe having someone else care for your kids hours a day so you can write and run is the right choice for your family, I'd never deny that there are some women who just aren't cut out to be moms, but that's no reason to whine every time someone says something that makes you feel guilty.

Littl... LittleManMama

I think the key is doing what is right for your particular situation and ultimately for you. If you are someone who wants to work and can manage the daycare situation then you will obviously be happier doing that. But if you are going to work because you have to and you don't want to you will be miserable. The same goes with staying home. If you wish you were still working, you will resent staying home. But the first comment you cited didn't seem all that mean to me, its how I would feel if I had continued to work and how I know my friends who did work did feel about it and voiced it out loud. Aren't you just flaming the argument by accusing all stay at home moms of being so miserable we just say mean things on the Internet? I personally don't get the so called mommy wars. I have friends who stay home and friends who work, friends that bottle feed and friends that breastfeed, friends whose children are grown and friends who haven't had children yet. I think most people are not so narrow minded that they will only like people exactly like themselves who make the exact same choices that they do.

douxm... douxmusique

I was kind of excited to read this article because I, too, am sick of the constant bashing from both sides of ANY argument. It's embarassing and disgusting. THen I read the article and I was like aw man, she's just  pulling the same crap she's writing about being sick off.  Lame.

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