On a recent weekend morning, I was lazing in bed at the deliciously slutty hour of 8:15 a.m. (bliss), listening to my kids getting their clothes on. My 6-year-old was patiently helping the 3-year-old ("Okay, now put your head through the hole ... no, the hole at the top of the shirt, Dylan. And now you stick your arms in the sleeves, and look, you're all dressed!" "FANK you, Riley!") and it was one of those magical parenting moments I wanted to sear into my brain-folds with a branding iron: remember this, remember this, remember this. Their sweet, high-pitched voices, the affection so clearly audible in their tones, the fact that for once they weren't screaming at each other over a stolen Lego.
Oh, we have come so far from the days and weeks after I brought Dylan home from the hospital. Back then, I looked at the atom bomb that had gone off in our previously happy little household and thought, This is the worst thing I could have possibly done to Riley.
I knew it was going to be hard work parenting a newborn and a 2-year-old at the same time, but I didn't anticipate how my older son would change—literally overnight—from a small chubby-cheeked toddler to an enormous, lumbering kid. Compared to a days-old baby, Riley seemed to grow up before my very eyes, leaving behind the last shreds of his infanthood in a puff of smoke. Suddenly he was so terrifyingly active, unpredictable, and LOUD.
If the abrupt gear-shift in how I perceived my firstborn child wasn't enough to make me feel guilty, the neglect surely did. At any moment out of the day, I was feeding the baby, changing the baby, trying desperately to get the baby to fall asleep, or walking around in little bouncing circles with an angry screaming baby. There was precious little time for playing with an energetic toddler, and I helplessly stashed him in front of Curious George more times than I can possibly count.
I felt awful about the massive disruption in Riley's life. Now his parents were exhausted all the time, couldn't pay as much attention to him, and the whole house totally smelled like milkbarf. It seemed like getting a baby brother was upsetting at best and emotionally damaging at worst.
I guess there's no way to truly understand what something's going to be like until you're in it. It's true that for quite a while, I felt like a sub-standard parent to my older boy. I feel like I missed some of his toddlerhood because my attention was pulled in so many different directions. I wondered, in my darkest moments, if we'd made a terrible decision.
But like all rough stages, things eventually smoothed out. Dylan quickly grew into a pudgy laughing baby who was absolutely infatuated with his big brother. Soon he was toddling after Riley, Riley was reading books to him, and they were well on their way to becoming pint-sized partners in crime.
Today the two of them are the best of friends (the sort of friends who sometimes engage in epic, ridiculous battles, mind you), and their affection for each other is fierce and pure and still blessedly unmarred by feelings of superiority or coolness. They hug each other goodbye in the morning, and they hug hello when they're reunited after school. The relationship they have with each other adds so much joy and happiness to our family. The noise, the chaos, the mess—I reserve the right to occasionally complain, but god, I am so grateful for it all.
I am an only child, and I've never known life with a sibling. I never, never knew it could be this good.
Do your kids have the same relationship with each other than you remember having with your own brother/sisters, or is it totally different?
Image via Linda Sharps
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Comments 51
My first 2 were 16 mo apart, my second and my last were 4 1/2 years. both had great pros and cons, that is for sure.
My oldest can't remember life without a sister, in fact doesn't remember much until her sister was walking and talking. The first 6 mo were hell on earth with these 2 and breastfeeding troubles, and moving across 2 states, but they are the greatest friends now, so close.
The baby is my only boy and is 8 months old, so he is just now getting fun for them. having older ones makes for wonderful, happy helpers, but also a fair amount of cabin fever if you can't just send them outside to play where you live. I got really good at leaving the house with all 3, for our sanity, living with a sling on so that i could be with the baby and my girls.
My boys are 20 months apart, so they are the best of friends. My brother and sister were very close growing up, because they were 14 months apart. I, however, came along 4 years after my sister, and we only just now have any kind of relationship. My brother and I get along, but it's not like we call each other or hang out.
That's one of the main reasons we wanted our kids to be close together. I wanted them to have a relationship. I'm so glad we spaced them the way they did. And I'm a little disappointed that when we have a 3rd child (when we have a house...probably another year), they'll have that huge age gap just like I did with my brother and sister.
I have two siblings, both brothers, one ten years older, one thirteen years younger. I never did experience having a true sibling relationship as a child and it's something I deeply regret and envy in other people. It has always been exceptionally important to me that my children have a sibling to grow with. I have five children with a sixth on the way. All of them came in little spurts, 1 1/2 to three years apart. This one was not planned, but i'm so happy that it came when it did of my youngest may have been cheated out of that experience. He is three, and while he has two sisters that are closer in age, they are still six and four years older, respectively. My oldest son is actually a full 11 years older than him. Siblings are such an important part of a child's life. But I've already been so sick during this pregnancy that I feel like i've been slacking off. Thanks so much for writing this. It makes me feel like it will get better and i'm not cheating him out of my attention lol.
I only have one.
My sister and I are 18 years apart :( I remember always wanting a sister and when I loved out my parents adopted a baby. She is now 8 and I love her dearly but its more of a mother daughter relationship. My kids are 4, 3 and 16 mths so I really understood your article. My two oldest fight all the time. They are always screaming at one another. They then both gang up on the baby. But what makes me smile is one min they will be fighting and I step in and correct one. That said child sometimes gets upset and cries, then the other child starts yelling at me for making him/her cry. I have learned now to let them work it out on there own.
They both have agreed that they want the baby sent to china :(
I read this when I needed it the most. My daughter will be 4 at the end of January, my son 1 in the middle of January. (neither planned pregnancies) I often feel HORRIBLE for bringing this little screaming creature who demands attention into this house, taking away what attention I could be giving to my little girl.
my kids are 3 yrs apart (many miscarriages), and they are very close, even grown up with their own families. I wish we could have had more, but thats hindsight.
My 9 year old is my second child but has been the big sister due to my oldest being severely disabled. Even seeing her relationship with her "big little" sister is amazing. She's so protective over her and my youngest (5), it just makes my heart hurt. We had a daughter in between the 9 and 5 year old but she passed at 4 months old, and it was really hard for my 9 year old to accept the new baby sister after that. I think she kept thinking the baby would go away just like the last one. But they really are inseparable now. Yes they fight as sisters will do but they also will just watch a movie while snuggling together, or my 5 year old will fall asleep against her sister while reading. I'm not close with my stepsister so it's lovely to see it.
I was an only child growing up