Grown Men Shouldn't Be Showering With Little Kids

on November 15, 2011 at 11:18 AM

showerhead Ask a group of parents when they stopped showering with their kids, and you're going to get answers that range from: "Wait, we have to stop?" to "OMG, I've never been naked in front of my kids, not EVER." But I've got news for former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky. Ask a group of parents when they stopped letting strangers shower with their kids, and I'm willing to bet the answer will be more like: "I never started!"

Grown men don't shower with little boys. Heck, grown women don't shower with little boys. Or little girls. Not if they're not your own kid. And even then, there's an age when it all has to end.

This isn't just about Jerry Sandusky and the sex abuse charges against him.

If it was, if I really thought every person out there was a potential predator, I don't think I'd ever be able to leave my house. My kid would be in a bubble in her room.

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This is about raising a child and how to arm them for the real world. It's about Sandusky telling the world that he showered with kids who were not his own, kids who were well past the age when they still need help washing their hair, as if that's something perfectly acceptable.

There's an immense responsibility inherent in sharing your own naked body with a child. You're opening yourself up to questions, mostly innocent, based on the natural curiosity of childhood. But the way you answer could quite literally affect a child for the rest of his or her life. That's not a job I am willing to give away to someone, anyone, other than her father and me.

I'm trying to raise a child who is both unashamed of her body and aware that our bodies are our own and we all have the right to privacy.

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I still shower with my 6-year-old daughter on increasingly rare occasions -- more because she's still having trouble getting that hair washed, and the best way to ensure it really gets clean is to hop in there every once in awhile. Her father, on the other hand, stopped quite awhile ago. We had no discussion; it just felt like it was "time." There's no magic number. For him to keep going past that point, for me to keep going much longer, feels like it goes against what we're trying to teach her about respecting her own body. Even with our own kid, whose diaper we changed, who still likes to run naked from the shower into the living room, with only a towel wrapped around her, we feel like we need to set a limit.

We know we aren't having untoward thoughts about our own kid. Which is what makes the idea of someone else being naked around her that much more disturbing. If we are uncomfortable with adult/child nudity with our OWN kid, how could a stranger possibly be comfortable being naked in front of her, with taking on the responsibility that it entails?

Are you still naked around your kids? Is there an age when you think it will end?

Image via stevendepolo/Flickr

About the author Jeanne Sager

writes articles for The Stir by day, slays closet monsters and bounds through bedtime stories with her elementary schooler by night. Diet Pepsi courses through her veins. The Phineas and Ferb soundtrack reverberates through her brain.

Filed Under: boys, family, girls

Comments (35)

Pandora915

on Nov 15, 2011 at 11:45 AM

uhm? Really? because when I was babysitting my little cousin, the only way I could get clean and her clean, was to shower together, keep in mind I was 11, she was 2. Am I a child molestor? No I just needed to shower! LOL.

Now, grown men, who share no DNA or relationship with a child, thats called child molestation.

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Facebook comment from Chalon King

on Nov 15, 2011 at 11:51 AM

Wow. We are a family of nudists and I wonder what responsiblity the author is taking about? Telling kids what private parts are? What they are used for? How babies come to be? Honesty is the best policey in our house. (I admit I lied a little and told my kids that sex is just for baby making, but they can understand at age 4) A naked man in nothing to be afraid of, nor do I worry about my own spouse molesting my children. Nor will seeing my boobs scar them for life, I grew up seeing my parents naked and I assure you none of my problems stem from that.

Nonmember comment from blh

on Nov 15, 2011 at 12:23 PM

A parent taking a shower with a young child isn't really the same as a man who is of no relation taking a shower with a child.

ChicHippie

on Nov 15, 2011 at 12:33 PM

I actually remember showering with my parents although my memories would have to be from age 5 and under because they stopped needing to help around the time I went to kindergarten. Dad stopped sooner than mom and he always wore swim trunks in the shower with me. As he put it, "he didn't know the "rules" and didn't want to mess up!" Lol

My mother has always been a little open for my comfort level but I'm more private about my body and she isn't. I did finally tell her when my brother turned 13 that it was time to put some dang clothes on at the breakfast table. Boobs, poptarts, and teenagers don't mix for me. As far as my personal family goes I have no idea. My baby is 5 months and the only reaction he has to nudity is drooling because he thinks its time to eat.

Nonmember comment from Mike M

on Nov 15, 2011 at 1:05 PM

A number of years ago I was doing some research on how children raised by nudists might differ from children raised by the rest of the population (there are some studies online that you can find if you do some digging). What I learned is that kids raised by nudists don't have many of the body image issues (fear, shame, disgust, intolerance, etc.) that other kids have. They are more self-confident and self-accepting, and less judgmental of others and themselves. They value what's on the inside of people much more than what's on the outside.

on Nov 15, 2011 at 1:08 PM

As far as parents being seen naked by their kids goes, I mostly feel that kids should be the ones to have the say in this as some kids are more fearful and/or judgmental than other kids are and may be offended by the sight of their parent's bodies (though kids should be encouraged to be more accepting of others as they are and less judgmental and intolerant). Other kids are less judgmental and are only concerned with what's inside of a person (rather than what is or isn't on the outside). I personally feel that love, acceptance, affection, respect, self-confidence, and being non-judgmental are more important than fear, shame, disgust, intolerance, emotional neglect, and social conformity - so I would want to teach any kids I might have those things I value. (When I was a kid in elementary school I didn't understand why adults have such a negative attitude towards the human body [and sex] as I saw no good reason for that type of behavior. As I've grown I've come to understand that it is largely fear, ignorance, and social conformity that heavily influence a lot of the behavior of adults, and why many adults feel that children should be "protected" [that is, censorship] from knowledge and understanding of the human body.)

ilovenikhil

on Nov 15, 2011 at 1:17 PM

i rememeber many times i would ask my mom to take a shower with her. The ONLY other time i ever saw my mom naked after that was when we would go to the local swimming pool and were in the changing area. And now as a mom, I used to take my son when he was a baby with me cause it was just easier. But i stopped once he turned 2 and no longer needed to be held. And now (at 6) he will not let anyone but his father or me see him naked. Plus it is my job to help him after he gets done with the bath so i have to see him LOL! He clearly knows there is a difference between men and women and will clearly state it too. Mostly that women have to pee sitting down.

Mrs.Kubalabuku

on Nov 15, 2011 at 1:22 PM

My husband and I just follow cues from our son. I showered with my son almost daily, but one day he said he'd rather shower with Daddy b/c Mommy is "different." He's only 3, so sometimes if we both need a quick shower I ask his permission. If he says no, I don't. He still showers with Daddy regularly, though.

My MIL also used to shower with him. I had mixed feelings on it, since she was creeping me out at times, acting like she was Mom at first. But after talking to my DH, I realized his family was just like that. Brothers, uncles, Grandmas, etc all popped in a shower with the younger kids to get it done. But since my son can voice his opinion, if he says "No, thanks" they leave him alone. Sad day for Grandma, but she is OK.

Of course, no strangers would have been allowed to shower with him. But the importance isn't so much on when you stop showing your child nudity or stop showering with adults. It's on teaching the child that they have the power and the right to say NO, give me privacy, and that should be respected.

xavierlogan09

on Nov 15, 2011 at 2:19 PM

I take a bath with my two year old sometimes because it's easier. I don't let anyone else give him a bath or take a bath with him,except for his dad. He only gives him baths. He is too tall for the tub. If someone who isn't related to a child or isn't given permission to shower with them,then yes, it's child molestation.

Facebook comment from Jennifer Hermann

on Nov 15, 2011 at 2:41 PM

From a very young age I remember my mother being naked like all the time. And I was born modest so it always bothered me. I think it was around 5 years old, I asked her to wear clothes. Well she ignored me completely. My parents also forced me to go to nude beaches and retreats on a few occasions, and forced me to be nude (while crying). Needless to say I'm pretty screwed up from this. So this kind of stuff I take pretty seriously. My husband gets frustrated with the insecurities I have now and my screwed up sexuality, that's a whole other story. Anyway though, by no means do I make a big deal out of nudity with my 5 year old daughter and 2 year old son, I don't want to over do it either way.