The Surprising Good Lessons a Bully Can Teach Your Kid

on November 7, 2011 at 7:27 PM

kids at wedding While I was blearily going over the news this morning, I saw that rapper 50 Cent wrote an an-bullying themed book -- semi-autobiographical. Cool, I thought to myself. My own 10-year-old has been the victim of numerous bullies over the years. I've never figured it out -- why my kid gets bullied by numerous others while others eke by unscathed.

It breaks my heart every time it happens. He's a sweet kid. It's BS that he gets hurt just as I once did. But I got to thinking (a very scary proposition when you're me) about the things that bullies can teach us.

Now, I should be clear that bullying is not something I condone, support, or even something I respect in another human being. Ever. But over the years, I've learned some things from those who have tormented me and others like me.

I learned how to stand up for myself. There's not much more valuable than learning how to stand up to someone who has treated me shabbily and say, "you know what? I DON'T deserve this." It didn't feel good at the time, but I learned how to do it.

Marching to the beat of my own drum came at a cost ... for awhile. Whenever I got picked on, it was because I was "different." Being different is something you avoid at all costs while on the Junior High playground, but as an adult? It's netted me friends, respect, and even a job.

Bullying does truly happen to anyone for anything. It's not about being weak, nerdy, or poor: it's about other people being jerks. And really, everywhere you go, everything you do, you run into some amount of those. It was good preparation.

Not everyone will like you all the time. We all should learn to treat each other with respect, compassion, and care, but that's unfortunately not how the world works. Sometimes people hate you for no good reason, and while it hurts, it's something to remember.

My skin is thick as leather. While that probably gives you the impression I'm a leathery-skinned tanning addict, I'm not. But I can take whatever crap people lob at me and walk away from it without weeping.

So, Mr. Fifty Cent sir, I hope you can shed some light on bullies, stop those who do, and help the next generation realize that bullying is bullshit.

I'd love it if my son -- and others like him -- didn't have to learn the same painful lessons I did.

How do you teach your bullied child to look on the bright side?

Image via Aunt Becky

Filed Under: bullies, discipline, elementary school, middle school

Comments (16)

Leelee1008

on Nov 7, 2011 at 9:24 PM

I try to teach them to stand up for them self

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Melissa042807

on Nov 7, 2011 at 10:22 PM

Something I didn't really grasp until I was an adult (and I still have trouble grasping sometimes) is the old adage "hurt people hurt people". When I can keep that in perspective, it makes me a little more sympathetic towards the human race and I can shrug off the jerks more easily. I hope I can teach that to my kids someday, not that they should just roll over and take it when faced with a bully, but that a lot of the time the bullying has to do more with that person's own hurts. Keeps things in perspective.

aj23

on Nov 7, 2011 at 10:54 PM

You have to teach kids how to be strong and be better than the other person.

Nonmember comment from Mike M

on Nov 8, 2011 at 10:41 AM

I don't have kids, but when I was in fourth grade my dad said essentially the same thing you mentioned in your article: that there will always be someone who does things that bother you, and that the best way to react to them is to just try to do your best to get along with them as arguing with them isn't likely to solve anything and it's likely to make things worse. (Although his advice wasn't specific to bullies, I found I could apply it to those I knew whose behavior was close that of bullies.) I previously had the expectation that everyone would be able to behave maturely as they grew up (and thus I assumed that being around those who were immature was only going to be a temporary thing as I was growing up with other kids), but hearing my dad say this led me to have a more realistic view on life (that is, accepting people as they are rather than hoping that they'd be wise enough to grow up someday). (I personally wish I was given this advice around the time I started going to preschool [even if it needed to be repeated every so often so I could continue to get a better understanding of it as I grew and had more experience with people that bothered me] as I never liked being told what to do and not do. I'm much happier when I can be free.)

on Nov 8, 2011 at 10:43 AM

Along with the knowledge that Melissa mentioned above (that bullies are likely to be victims themselves), it typically wasn't too difficult for me to forgive people for their actions (I'd tell myself that they probably have a life that is more challenging than mine, that it isn't going to help me to get upset over how they choose to deal with their issues even if it's in an immature fashion, and that *I* can be the mature one by not reacting to them in a negative manner).

slw123

on Nov 8, 2011 at 3:04 PM

So true and in the end those who were bullied end up much more well adjusted adults than those who did the bullying.

Bmat

on Nov 8, 2011 at 7:11 PM

I never knew what to say other than that they were the better person.

elasmimi

on Nov 9, 2011 at 8:16 AM

We had our first incident of bullying a few days ago at a playground. Two little boys about her age were preventing her from getting on the playground equipment. She turned it into a game, laughing and jumping around, making him jump to block her. I don't know if she just has a good attitude about bullying, or if she just couldn't believe it was for real. Either way, I congratulated her for her way of handling it.

on Nov 9, 2011 at 8:18 AM

I was bullied all my childhood and teen years; all it taught me was to be a people pleaser. At 64, I'm just learning to be myself.

Nonmember comment from Cristy

on Nov 10, 2011 at 11:16 AM

Throughout junior high and high school I was always "different" and picked on by certain people calling me "freak" and "weirdo" etc.. I always let it slide off me and never paid much attention to it. Senior year in HS, the one guy who picked on me the MOST ended up coming out to me and in my year book wrote something like, "FREAK! You've always been such a WEIRDO! But honestly thats the best quality you have that you don't care what anyone else thinks about you and you're just yourself"... coming from a guy who was hiding the fact that he was gay all the years he was bullying me for being different it made me realize that sometimes they are bullying you because they envy your ability to be yourself and not care what the world thinks... we are still good friends to this day over 10 years later.