Just a couple of rule-breakersWhen you have a baby, people — well-intentioned as they might be — will come to you with heaps of advice. On the train. At the park. In the store. During a massage. After a séance. Anytime is a good time to impart a pearl of wisdom, even if you’re on your like sixth kid and, hence, your sixth go-round as a parent.
But there is no one as full of opinions as your child’s grandparents. They’ll let you know what you’re doing wrong, wronger, and wrongest and how they did it better when they were in your booties. And if they don’t think you’re following their lead close enough, they’ll just let your little one do whatever they darn well please whenever they get a hold of them.
Grandparents are notorious for spoiling their pookie poos, but sometimes it’s a real up yours to the rules that parents try to set. No candy before dinner? Yeah whatever, mom. Not when Grandma’s in charge.
Thing is, they’ll put the very rules they raised you with under rack and ruin. What you weren’t allowed to even think about when you were under their tyranny, your own kids are now free and even encouraged to do. I guess time wears down Mom and Dad’s interest in being disciplinarians. Now grandparents just wanna have fun.
It’s one thing to establish expectations with a babysitter or a friend who watches your little pride and joy here and there while you and the hubs hit the town or you put in a couple extra hours at work. But the ongoing relationship with grandparents means that their whatever-goes attitude can be a permanent conflict against the principles you’ve set in your own household. Mom and Dad just don’t want to follow your rules. And it can be super nerve-grating, especially when your little ones are young and you’re trying to get them acclimated to the way you want — and expect — things to be done.
You’ve asked them 100 times not to let the kids stay up late on the weekends because it throws them off their sleep schedule for the week. Besides, you reason, an 8- and 5-year-old don’t have any business being up at 1 in the morning, even if it is a Saturday. But sure as you live and breathe, you call them about something completely unrelated and hear what? Your kid yodeling in the background. You check your clock. It’s 12:28 in the morning.
Then the excuses start rolling. Little Timmy wasn’t sleepy. He didn’t want to sleep in that big spare bedroom all by himself. He didn’t even get a chance to spend time with them that day. Yada yada and yada some more ...
That’s why I didn’t even really try to establish any rules with any of Girl Child’s grandmothers. I was absolutely sure none of them would adhere to anything I requested anyway, and if they did, it would be with a whole lot of commentary and uppity back talk. The formula was simple: Two grandmothers plus two great-grandmothers equaled my demands didn’t mean a doggone thing. That gang of headstrong ladies trumped me in seniority and childcare experience and made it clear that my novice tail had a thing or two to learn from them, even though I was the one who spent 16 hours in labor pumping out that little girl they were so busy doting on.
Once, for example, I took Le Kid to Brooklyn to visit with her father’s mother. She was still a baby and I didn’t want her head to be all exposed to the cold air, so I slid a hat on her — those sparse little patches of hair were certainly determined not to do the job — and hauled her up the four flights of stairs. Soon as I got in the house, her granny lit me up. “Why do you have that hat on the baby’s head! She’ll sweat to death!”
Suffice it to say every hat I sent over thereafter met with an unfortunate fate. Lost on the subway. Shrunken in the laundry. Used in lieu of baby wipes. I got the point and stopped packing them when she went over there. Mommy and the Hat, 0 — Grandma and the Clout, 1. There were plenty of other fails where that one came from. I surely could’ve stressed and chewed them out on a regular basis for insolence. But I figured I’d conserve my energy for a battle I’d have a greater chance of winning.
Do your kids’ grandparents obey your wishes or are they anti-rules rebels?
Image via katesheets/Flickr
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Comments 50
My sister just had a baby and wanted our mom to take a refresher course offered by our local hospital for grandparents. We joke it's the "Things You Did in The 70's That We Don't Do Anymore" class.
She never went.
yes they obey my rules. And if they didn't they wouldn't get to babysit(that is rare since they live 2hrs away). If they went behind my back on something the only visit time they would get would be supervised by me.
Anti-rule rebels. Except parents took it too far. My kid started drinking pop at 9 months old, while I got ripped a new one for giving her a cold bottle. And there are even bigger dozies where that story comes from. Sick of hearing it's OK for the grands to do as they please. Not when it possibly affects my child's health. And yet. . .
We keep having to remind on the no soda rule (he's 3, and so far so good), but they listen and respect it when we do. Of course with both sets of grands it's "supervised visitation" because neither set is up to watching a 3 year old on their own. So they get to have fun and husband and I are still the ones to maintain order and say no when it's needed.
Luckily for us we live very close to both our parents so our daughter spends quite a bit of time with both while I don't mind the occasional rule breaking I've made it clear my baby my rules and I don't care how many kids you raised, we already had to threaten supervised visits over a spoiling incident (it's one thing to buy a present everytime you see your grandkid if it's twice a year another thing entirely when you see them every other day!)
My inlaws do not listen to a signle rule we have. For example, they may not care if she noshes on candy all day. But I do, since I'm the one who gets to wrangle a hyper toddler. Thankfully, my Mama is very respectful and clears things through me first. For example, "I don't care if she jumps on my bed, but if you don't want her to, then I'll tell her to knock it off."
My mom doesn't ever listen to me and it drives me freaking insane. She even gives my son foods that he is ALLERGIC to and says she didn't read the ingredient label..(this is after she decides not to feed him what I left him for dinner).