Hi. If you are very religious and/or easily offended, you should skip this post. Unless you get off on being offended and righteously indignant about ridiculous things. Then, you should totally stick around. Welcome. You totally owe me.
Today we’re going to talk about kids and religion. Personally, I’m not that into organized religion, but I do believe in letting your children find spirituality themselves. That’s why in our house we talk about Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, and the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster objectively, so that our 6-year-old can one day make a decision for herself.
Victor and I aren’t church-goers but we wanted Hailey to experience it for herself, so she goes to a fairly open-minded church with her grandparents. A few weeks ago she entered the Sunday School contest for “Make-your-own-Armor-of-God” with a sword she made from cardboard and tinfoil. She won.
When I asked why she wasn't more excited about it, she said, "I won a bookmark with a dead guy on it." True story. I assume the dead guy was Jesus, but when I asked her if she knew who Jesus was, she told me, "He was God’s neighbor, or little brother or something" and that "he was always getting in trouble and learning lessons." I’m fairly sure she’s confusing Jesus with Dennis the Menace. Which is fine, because she’s 6 and she has time to learn. I do, however, feel that it’s important to pass on your knowledge to your children, and this is why I’ve created a short lesson for kids about everything I know about religion.
Okay, kids ... first up is your christening/baptism/bris. Girls, you’re going to put on the prettiest dress you’ll own and then some stranger will throw a drink on you. This is good practice for the prom. If you’re a boy, you’ll get the same pretty dress, but someone may cut part of your penis off. This is your first taste of the inequality of the sexes ... your sister gets a pretty dress and you get part of your genitals cut off in public. Don’t worry. This all evens out when you’re older.
You will learn many biblical quotations in your life, but you’ll typically only hear them when they’re being used (inaccurately) against you, or when you’re watching The Exorcist. It’s a good idea though to know what these phrases mean, so I’ve made a few translations for you, based on my personal experience.
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” = “None of us are immune to being douche-bags occasionally.”
“For I am with you, and no one is going to attack and harm you, because I have many people in this city.” = “Chillax, y’all. I know a guy.”
“Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’” = “I am God’s bouncer. If you want in, you better represent.”
“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.” = “If you sin, you’re going to die. If you don’t, you’ll become a vampire. Or something.”
“Your body is a temple.” = “You’re like a big tent. Stop filling your tent with meth and bullshit. Have an Eskimo pie.”
“Give, and it shall be given to you. For whatever measure you deal out to others, it will be dealt to you in return.” = “Karma’s a bitch. Stop being such an asshole.”
“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” = “No one cares about your stupid Rolex. But in heaven, tiny camels are the new purse dogs.”
“A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.” = “Don’t feed the trolls.”
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” = “Be nice. It makes you look skinnier.”
“If anyone curses his father or mother, he must be put to death.” = “God’s swear jar is insanely severe.”
“Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.” = “Werewolves are hot, but God is probably Team Edward.”
“Judge not, that ye be not judged.” = “You’re technically not allowed to say nasty things about this post. Sorry about that.”
“There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” = Um ... wait. Is that really in the Bible? It is? Crap. I’m out.
Good luck, kids.