Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I’ll start being flooded with text messages and e-cards wishing me a happy Father’s Day. It’s pretty much been a tradition since The Girl was born.
That’s because I’m a single mama and have been unceremoniously charged with manhandling — pun intended — all of the needs of the household, from raising the kid to diagnosing weird noises under the hood of the car to cooking what I can at least hope are nutritious meals. I field the responsibilities that should be shared by two people. So up until recently, I thought it was fine to celebrate.
This year, I have a new perspective. I’m not going to reject people’s well wishes, of course. That would be rude, since they mean well. But I’m not going to dinner or getting a pedicure or anything else to commemorate the holiday. Try as I do to be there for Tween Girl in every way, I am not nor cannot be a father. Only a man can do that.
Growing up, it was just me and my mom. She was a definite do-it-yourselfer. Still is. Mommy doesn’t believe in waiting for anybody, especially not no man, to do for her what she can try to do herself. When I went home to visit last week, I didn’t ask any questions when I saw her little toolbox open and pliers, twine, and other Home Depot-esque contraptions scattered across the bathroom floor. I just smiled, stepped over the construction zone, and silently thanked God for having a handywoman as a mother.
Naturally, I picked that attitude up and carried it into another generation. I didn’t need a man to help me change a tire. I didn’t need a man to help me save for a house — heck, what I really couldn’t afford was to keep waiting around for this fabled dude who was supposed to be The One to show up. And I didn’t need a man to help me raise my daughter.
Obviously I don’t believe in gender roles in parenting. I can’t as a single mother and a literal one-woman show. But say, for instance, it’s a father’s job to teach a girl child certain things like how to spot a lying guy, ride a bike, or throw a punch. I’ve done all of those things, no man around to speak of.
I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating: in the black community, we’re so used to not having men around that having a dad at home is more shocking than finding a $1,000 tucked in between the car seats of a free Rolls Royce. So I guess that, coupled with the longstanding teachings from Mama Harris, has made me acknowledge myself as a kind of multiple personality, a jane of all trades parent. I gladly accepted the Father’s Day shoutouts because I was in fact pulling double duty.
In my warm and fuzzy dreams, the good Lord will send a man who will willingly take on the role of not only my husband and partner, but a loving and wonderful father figure for my daughter. But — flashing neon sign around this big revelation — he can’t step into that position if I’m already standing in it.
Without my self-imposed festivities, Father’s Day in the Harris house is fixing to be just another Sunday on the calendar. That’s OK with me. The Girl and I don’t feel the sting of missing-in-action dads and never-were-there fathers. But I’m also looking forward to the day where just maybe, God willing, I’ll have somebody to fill in that third chair at our dining room table and be able to shower him with some well-deserved affection on one of these third Sundays in June.
Are single mothers entitled to celebrate Father’s Day along with the fellas?
Image via Neeta Lind/Flickr
Ashley Is a Widow Who Stays Strong...
This Hot Dad Wants to Vacuum Your Rug
This Hot Dad Wants to Do Your Ironing
KStew Refuses to Shower
Comments 24
"especially not no man"
Really? Nothing against surviving the best you can and dealing with the situation you've been given... but as a writer you can at least strive to do your job well. *sigh*
I find is sad that 'the black community' has to deal with the apparent lack of good men... though, I know it isn't that way everywhere. Though, so long as you carry the "I don't need a man" torch- good ones might be hard to find. Hopefully your daughter will be blessed enough to break the cycle and find a good one, good enough to stick around and raise his children right. That is, unless of course, you convince her that only a 'good' one is willing to buy you a giant ring to be considered worthy.
My aunt ander uncle were considered my "father figures" growing up. My father was out of the picture and there was no need to celebrate him. Why put celebrations on hold for someone who might never come? Sometimes I wonder if you right this stuff just to get people upset. You would think as a single mother you would understand that it takes more to be a father than an extra appendage. Don't stope being a mother and father to your child just because you might scare a man off, you're only hurting your daughter. And newsflash, you are her "father" right now.
My house does not celebrate Father's Day either. My girl does have a dad, however, he's only passingly interested, and has gone on to make 2 other little goons from 2 different women. Very few of us become single mothers intentionally, and we must adopt the "I don't need no man" attitude if we want to get anything done. The women who "need" a man around often end up with the first Joe that comes along. I would love to have a man someday, but I'm doin alright by myself, and tomorrow my girl and I will be doing the same thing every Sunday, and maybe I'll have a little daydream about celebrating some day...
(I'm not criticizing anyone else's choices or life I'm speaking solely for myself)
I decided when I was young that I didn't want to be anyone's baby mama. I didn't want to have a child out of wedlock. I wanted to be able to tell my kids this is who I "choose" to be your father. I choose him because he was a great man who made me feel like I was the only woman in the room when we were in a crowd. I watched him interact with other people and he treated everyone with respect and kindness. I choose him because when we talked about making you I could see him imagining you running up to him calling him daddy.
People in the black community have to want better to do better. If you decide you only want to deal with men and not knuckleheads, the knuckleheads will eventually MAN UP.
Wow, it's not the authors fault that the father isn't doing his job. Maybe he seemed like a good guy in the beginning? geeze.. I hate how everyone just ASSUMES the author wasn't married, chose a less than desirable man and put no thought into her life. Lets say for arguement sake those things are all true, it's still not HER fault that this guy isn't behaving like a man and being part of the childs life. So to answer your question, if the single Mother has an absentee 'baby's daddy' ABSOLUTELY you're entitled to celebrating!!! Are you kidding??? You're doing 2 jobs, although I understand you're not replacing a father figure, you are doing his job of supporting your child with no one to help you. If you're single and the father is involved then I'd say no, I mean things maybe didn't work out with the two but if they're being a Father on their time then they're filling that role. People are so judgemental, geeze. I'm not a single Mother, but I have 2 great kids and a great husband, I know many people who have had that and have it change in an instant, I hope none of you will have to experience it but maybe you should keep that in mind when you're attacking a hardworking single Mother, instead of an absentee Father.
I durno. I mean, I have wished a single mom I know a Happy Father's Day the past two years - but she's not even a good mother, so she didn't get any Mother's Day wishes from me and won't be getting Father's Day wishes either, this year. Basically, I think the GOOD single moms deserve to be honored both days.
I must say that coming from a a white mother and a black father that it's not just the black community that faces this. There are more and more white men that are having children out of wedlock and then leaving. This includes divorce and dissapearing. I have 2 children my intention was never to be a single mother. I thought we would be together and that's how it worked out for quite a while, but then it didn't work out, just as some marriages do not. He contributes and sees the kids but I am the provider of emotional support, and things that my kids need everyday all day. My father was not in my life until I needed nothing from him in adulthood. It was convenient to him, but my mother never said an ill word about him and I appreciated her letting me pass my own judgement. She taught me to be a strong woman, but be open to situations. I don't celebrate Father's Day for myself b/c it's for the father's that do what they are responsible to do. I enjoy my mother's day to celebrate the people my children are becoming thanks to me. :-)
I never thought to wish a single mother, "Happy Father's Day."
But I'm not of the philosophy of not needing a man. I'm proud of my job as a woman and mother, and realize how important a good man's role is in a family.
I wouldn't let the man off the hook that easy. Father's are necessary. As long as women let them out of the responsibility with the, "I don't need you anyway," mentality, they're going to take it! Screw. That.
If there isn't one present in the home (which there wasn't in mine for a while), I probably wouldn't teach my daughter (ESPECIALLY my daughter) that she doesn't need a father or a man anyway. Because she does. You can be a feminist and empower yourself and do things for yourself with OR without a man in your home.