Before I had kids, I was so quick to judge. When I would see a child running around the front yard wearing nothing but a diaper in the middle of May, I would scowl. Toy guns were trashy and unacceptable and lawns were meant to be lush and pristine. I would never be the one with the dirty kids and cluttered house, I vowed. I'll be the classy one whose child is always properly clad, grass is well manicured, and house is neat and tidy.
How sorely I was mistaken. Yesterday, I looked at my house and my child and realized the tragic truth: I'm raising white trash kids. How did I come to this conclusion?
1. The front yard full of toys. Bats, balls, water toys, and hula hoops half-hazardly fill the lawn.
2. The pool the kids brag about to their friends is a big plastic blow-up one from Walgreens.
3. We own a large collection of toy guns and character T-shirts.
4. The kids' arms are filled with various temporary tattoos, in various stages of decay.
5. My boys can frequently be found wandering around the house without pants. If they do have pants on, their hands are often down them.
6. My daughter often displays a rather prominent plumber's crack, despite my efforts with belts and elastic waist pants.
7. My youngest's latest haircut? A mohawk, of course.
8. All three believe that French fries are a vegetable.
9. Should the kids get hungry in the car, all they need to do is dig around their seat to find a snack.
10. Nothing, and I mean nothing, gets a bigger laugh than a really loud fart.
Image via Scary Mommy