(barely) Surviving the Birds and the Bees

Tweens & Teens 20

In the throes of a vicious migraine, I was blearily sitting in my kitchen, mumbling to my husband, The Daver, and waiting for the Vicodin to kick in. My eyeballs felt like they were going to pop out of my skull and onto my sandwich.

My eldest son chose that very inopportune moment to march into the kitchen with a horrified look on his face.

He'd been reading, I knew, from a book that The Daver and I had bought him when we'd found out that we were pregnant with his brother Alex. Why the renewed interest in baby-making, I didn't know, but he loves the book, which is good enough for me.

"LISTEN TO THIS," he said to us, a look of awe and disgust on his face.

I couldn't see what page he was on, but already I knew I wasn't prepared. Even with my eyeballs about to pop out of my skull, I knew what particular bit of the book he'd discovered.

"LISTEN TO THIS," our son crowed. "THE MAN PUTS HIS PENIS IN THE WOMAN'S VAGINA IN A SPECIAL SORT OF SLEEPING CALLED MAKING LOVE, OR HAVING SEX."

It was like we were in a Woody Allen movie or something. He said it so loudly that the whole neighborhood must've heard. It wasn't what he said, as much as the tone mixed with the horrified look on his face; it sent me over the edge.

I snickered into my hand. I didn't WANT to. I mean, I'd been preparing the sex talk for YEARS. And yet, here I was, laughing. It was just the way he said it.

After I regained my composure, I scooped up the results of my "special sleeping," who I like to call "Amelia," and dragged my headachey ass into the living room. No longer giggling, I asked if he had any questions.

He seemed to be mostly concerned that this "making special sleeping" was lurking around each corner, threatening to pounce on top of him, and was therefore relieved to learn that sex is something adults -- not children -- do.

We discussed puberty a bit as part of me quietly died inside as it was made evident my gangly 9-year-old was no longer a baby.

He seemed to accept it all remarkably well, considering. Once his fears about the rogue "love making" were resolved, he was concerned primarily with his voice changing. Typical, I thought. Promising to order him a book about puberty and continue the conversation as soon as he had more questions, he bopped off to bed.

As I sat holding the products of my "special sleeping," Amelia, I could feel the hairs on my head become grayer. Now, I'm waiting for the irate parental phone calls after Ben teaches his class about sex.

And the therapy bills. Luckily, I suppose, I have time to save for that.

What was your sex talk like? Did you get one? Did I just ruin my son for life?

education, girls, puberty, sex & dating

20 Comments

To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

jen-knee jen-knee

This was fabulous!!! Had me rofl @ the "special sleeping."

Telli... Tellimonia

did the book really say "special sort of sleeping"?

ilove... ilovemyboys84

my mom was a single mom to my brother and me so one day she stood in the middle of the hall way in between our rooms and yelled ...listen up both of you im only going to say this once...if ur going to have sex use a condom....that was all lol...shame my brother had a kid at 17 and i had one at 17 as well...

Jeric... Jerichos_Mommy

I don't even want to think about that yet.

Robin Hamblin Desrosiers

I remember having a creeptastic cartoon book that had explanations that played out like a bad porno, it might have been the chest hair on the cartoon dad that was the icing on the cake. Anyways, I grew up on a farm and there was no rated G after school 'birds & the bees' special. When my son was a baby until he was around two and poke me in the boob I would take him in the shower with me when my husband was at work, so I could shower and not worry about him getting into anything and falling down stairs.... then he got all bent out of shape when I would do the same with his baby sister and not him, he was 4 at the time and my daugther was old enough to sit up, not old enough to poke me in the boob. EEEEEEEE kids are great.

Heather Meyers

My five year old daughter asked how the baby got in my belly, and her father explained it to her in plain terms. Then he left not long after that and she came to me and said, "Mom, did Dad put his penis on your vagina?"

star_... star_momma

My mom actually bought me a book, the Growing Up Guide for Girls, and gave it to me when I was around nine. I ignored it pointedly for some time until I started reading it and was both horrified and fascinated. So I showed my friend. I think we taught most of our class about sex, and I later passed the favor on to yet another friend as well. The upside? We distributed accurate information, which is more than some of their parents ever gave them.

Elizabeth Graham Favorite

My son asked me all about how  baby cats get into mommy cats tummies in the car one day.  Thinking I could do this while driving I explained to him, discreetly, what happens.  He of course then inferred it over to humans and was all worried about whether it hurt when the "stuff comes out of the man's penis".  Flustered by this time, I told him that I just didn't know it was something he would have to ask his dad cause I was not a boy.  Okay he says.  The next stop, at the vets, he marches up to his dad in the middle of the store and loudly says, "Daddy does it hurt when stuff comes out of your penis?" Mortified, but the look on my husband's face was priceless!  LOL!

magnu... magnus_pegasus

I never got "the talk" ever.  I learned inaccurate and skewed information from friends and the media.  Its a wonder that I never had sex in high school.  When the time comes, I know that I will definitely talk to my daughter.  I don't want her learning about this topic from anyone else.

1-10 of 20 comments 12 Last