I'm jealous of parents in the UK, where the sequel to The Human Centipede has been banned. If you aren't familiar with the original film, directed by the seriously disturbed Tom Six, it's quite possibly the most grotesque horror flick ever. It's about a deranged German surgeon who connects people to each other via their, um, gastric systems to create the first (but apparently not last) "human centipede." Yeah. I'm jealous of British moms because they won't have to fumble their way through that sick explanation when their 10-year-old happens upon the DVD and reads the plot synopsis on the back of the case. LIKE MINE DID.
A friend of mine who's something of a horror aficionado left the DVD at my apartment when my kids weren't home; I meant to hide it away in a drawer somewhere but forgot. The next day I walked into my bedroom to find my daughter studying the case curiously. No! Clearly she'd been reading for a few minutes; snatching it out of her hands wasn't going to help at that point. I had no idea what her reaction was going to be, but I was still surprised when she looked up and said, very matter-of-factly, "I just don't think this would be medically possible."
"Uh, probably not," I stammered. "Yeah, it's just really weird and here, let me put that away, okay?"
But she wasn't letting go. "Why would they make a movie about this? Is it supposed to be scary?"
"I guess so," I said. "Do you think it looks scary?"
My daughter shrugged. "I think it looks gross," she said and tossed the DVD on my bed. "Do we have any more potato chips?"
Huh. That was easier than I expected, I thought. I still wish my daughter hadn't seen the DVD -- I would prefer it if she didn't have that image permanently stamped on her subconscious -- but I guess sometimes kids are capable of making sense of outrageously inappropriate things in their own way.
At least I hope so, because I'm pretty sure I forgot to hide the New York Post with the headline "Battle of the Bulge: Weiner Exposed" when I left the house for work this morning.
How do you explain outrageously inappropriate things to you kid?
Image via Amazon.com