(barely) Surviving Extreme Parenting

Being a Mom 15

I'm going to be honest. We're all friends here, right? (Just nod.) RIGHT. Well, I have a confession for you. It pains me to admit this to myself, much less The Internet, but here goes:

My 2-year-old hasn't mastered complex geometric equations. She's never once translated The Iliad from its original Homeric Greek into English (or any other language for that matter). In fact, when I gave her a copy of Einstein's Theory of Relativity, she gnawed on the book, rather than absorbing the knowledge within.

This is so not okay.

My baby is supposed to be a genius, dammit, and how can she be a genius if she can't even drive a car yet? It's clear my baby is defective.

I fail at Extreme Parenting. And life.

I was fortunate enough to have my firstborn at an age when no one else I knew had children; otherwise, I might have started to take it a little to heart once my friends started popping out babies of their own. Much SUPERIOR babies, I should add.

It seems to start with conception, this Extreme Parenting phenomenon. If you get pregnant your first month of trying, it's clear that you're superior to me, who took months to get pregnant with her second. If my baby weighs 8 pounds at birth, well, yours was 20 pounds at birth. If my baby eats solid food, your baby solves the Fibonacci sequence before naptime. If my baby walks at 10 months, your baby can play a round of Master's Golf UNDER PAR.

It's clear that my babies aren't as good as yours.

(I mean the GENERAL "yours," not YOU personally, The Internet, who is brilliant, wise, and non-judgemental.)

It's a good thing I love them, flaws and all, because otherwise, I might be upset that I have substandard children.


I mean, how could they have possibly become Baby Genuii with such a waste of space for a mother? If I'd really loved them, I'd have spent more time teaching them all that I know about organic and biochemistry, instead of "napping when they nap." We all know that's just laziness on my end.

So I hope that my children will one day forgive me that I haven't gotten them admitted to MENSA yet. I hope that they'll forgive that I allowed them to chew on spatulas and measuring cups instead of those nifty wooden toys. I hope they'll forgive me for feeding them non-organic baby food when I should have been growing my own vegetables and lovingly chopping them up by hand.

All that time I should have spent stimulating their brains so they could become as brilliant as possible, I was simply trying to survive. And I did.


behavior, toddler development, developmental delays, autism


To add a comment, please log in with

Use Your CafeMom Profile

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Join CafeMom or Log in to your CafeMom account. CafeMom members can keep track of their comments.

Comment As a Guest

Guest comments are moderated and will not appear immediately.

DebaLa DebaLa

LOL! Amen, Aunt Becky.
Yeah, I guess I churned out a lemon as well, and lovin' it.  ; )

bills... billsfan1104

LOLOLOL, we have family members like that. Well my kid walked at this age and doesnt put anything in their bodies that is man made, because I will not allow it, and they also pick their own eggs from the chicken, that they built at the age 1

jpfsmom jpfsmom

My sister in law to a tee...her son was in karate at 2, Audio Video Club and Chess Club at 4 and she's sending him to a 60,0000 prep school next year...he's 5. The irony of it all he's the least well behaved at family gatherings....

Beths... Bethsunshine

Gosh, I know so many people like this!!! When will people realize that "extreme" parenting, on either end of the spectrum, is a recipe for disaster? Balance and moderation is the key to EVERYTHING in life!

hutch... hutchfam2007

Hilarious! Mines defective too, and Im so glad!!! This is so true, why cant women just be happy for others rather than try to one-up all the time!?!?! We need to learn to support each other, not make each other feel like crap because their two year old does not say four syllable words!

DebaLa DebaLa

Sing it, sister !  ^^^

chell77 chell77

If my girls isn't perfect then deflect to. They are teen now they have problem with adhd and anxeity and depression. But I love them who they are and becoming a young lady. My oldest dd13 who got in precollege that they have where I live that they go to unveristy of wisconsin oshkosh. It prepare children for college. You have to have better grade which she have trouble in school but she got except which I am proud of. My dd12 is adhd is too but she is in 6th she have all a. Even though they weren't reading book or doing genuis is doing. They are perfect matter what. I will do everything for them matter what. I am also single parent and I get help from my bf. He is wonderful to them treat them better then their father.

Mahala Dixson

Right now, my kids are the only grand kids on my in laws side so they are "perfect" haha (no they really aren't but since they are the only ones right now they have no one to be "compared" against by other family members).  On my side of the family my stepsister has 2 kids...and not to be like judgemental or hoity toity....but my kids are very much ahead of hers and they are around the same age, we just have very DIFFERENT parenting styles and skills.  My kids are flawed, I *tried* to do a lot of the "perfect" mom stuff...but it just wore me out and I wasn't getting to enjoy my kids! I was too busy worrying about being perfect.  I gave it up.  I'm perfect the way I am, just being their MOM not trying to be like everyone else.  There are still things that I prefer to do a certain way.  LOL My kids aren't genuises but they are perfect to me!

nonmember avatar Kate

I never realized that getting pregnant the first month of trying (twice actually, it runs in the family) made me a superior person; I just thought it made me very lucky that I never had a birth control failure.

1-10 of 15 comments 12 Last