As every parent knows, bullies eventually become a problem in every child’s life and as a parent it is your responsibility to give your child the tools they need to combat these bullies. I suggest small shivs and mustard gas. Katanas might seem like the most obvious option but they’re really not the best choice because small hands are too weak to use them efficiently.
Also, children are irresponsible creatures who are always losing their jackets/lunchboxes/homework on the playground. Once my kid lost her own shoes at school. How the hell does that even happen? Clearly, children can’t be trusted with katanas because replacing them can be very expensive. Plus, it’s entirely possible that the bully will find the katana and then you’ve just armed your child’s bully with a katana. Nice job, asshole.
Of course, some people might say this is a good lesson in responsibility for a child to learn, and that it will probably teach them not to forget all their crap on the playground, but I’ve always thought that a good lesson shouldn’t end with your child missing an arm. Some people have labeled me “a softie” for this conviction but I just turn the other cheek and remind myself that I’m the bigger person and that I can always burn down their garage later.
Many parents feel that the best way to deal with bullies is to teach their children how to use their words instead of their fists and I agree because the last time someone bullied my child, I told the bully that if he didn’t stop fucking with my kid, I would sneak into his house while he slept and fill his bedroom with hungry polar bears which would eat his face off and he totally believed me. Which was kind of insane. I mean, where am I going to get polar bears in Texas? Luckily, 5-year-olds are not that bright.
As your child gets older he or she will eventually find themselves face-to-face with the more subtle and manipulative bullies who have traded their childish ways of demanding milk-money for the more damaging art of taunting, snubbing, and insulting everyone they can. This is the worst kind of bully and also the most virulent. They are dangerous, horrible, and vile but they also serve as an important lesson to your child. And that lesson is “Everyone is special and unique and wonderful. Except for the assholes. They’re just assholes. Don’t become one of them or I will disown you.”
Many people point out that most bullies (both children and adults) are created by their own low self-esteem and they are usually miserable and have been bullied themselves and I think it’s an important factor but not really one that makes any sort of difference at the time. I think it’s more important that children remember these simple points:
In summary, some people are assholes and we all hate them for you. Eventually you will escape from them but they will never escape from themselves. You win.
A surprisingly real aside: If you are being bullied, tell someone. Tell a friend, a teacher, your parents. Bullies can totally fuck up your sense of logic and make you feel like you’re worthless. You aren’t, and it’s not weak to say you need help. Even now I turn to friends when I start to think that the assholes might have a point. Then my friends remind me to ignore the assholes. Because they’re assholes. You are awesome and this will pass. Promise.