When you first become a parent, you’re often bombarded with quotes on motherhood and child-rearing and some of them are very helpful, but more often than not they are so out-of-date that it’s difficult to understand what they even mean. That’s why I’ve taken 20 of the top parenting quotes and tacked on a bit at the end to make them slightly more contemporary.

You’re welcome!

“Always kiss your children goodnight -- even if they're already asleep.” That way you can make sure they’re still breathing and haven’t turned onto zombies during the night.

“Mother knows best.” Unless she’s trying to get you to commit arson for her. Then it might be a good idea to leave home. But first maybe take some notes. It never hurts to know a little bit about arson.

“A mother has eyes in the back of her head.” In the form of a nanny-cam implanted in your childhood teddy bear on your shelf. 

“Your children need your presence more than your presents.” Unless one of the presents is a unicorn that cooks and cleans. Then you’re pretty much obsolete.

“Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.” Just because they’re related to you doesn’t mean they can’t testify against you in court one day.

“The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher.” A teacher who is constantly shitting his pants. Awesome.

“If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.” Or if they’re too young for responsibility, try a backpack filled with heavy rocks. But not so many that they get scoliosis. Back braces are expensive.

“He that would the daughter win, must with the mother first begin.” That’s how you get on Jerry Springer.

“Don't handicap your children by making their lives easy.” Handicap them by hobbling them at a young age so they can’t run away from you when you’re drunk.

“Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.” That’s why I always save my math homework to give it to my daughter.

“A parent's love is whole no matter how many times divided.” Solve for A. This is the worst story problem ever.

“You will always be your child's favorite toy.” As long as you never give her a pony.

“What a child doesn't receive he can seldom later give.” But sometimes that works out for the best. Like with herpes, for instance.

“There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.” The second worst people to have in charge of children are bears.

“The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.” Unless you’re really drunk. Then it’s probably wise to let your child steer. Unless the child is drunk too. Then you probably need to examine your parenting skills.

“If I had my child to raise all over again,
 I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.” That way he’d feel less self-conscious about living under an overpass with all these hobos.

“Likely as not, the child you can do the least with will do the most to make you proud.” Or he’ll murder you for the insurance money. It’s kinda 50/50 really.

“You see much more of your children once they leave home.” But typically only if you get transferred to the same penitentiary.