Last week my daughter came home from kindergarten wearing a large sticker proclaiming “Hugs! Not drugs.” I asked her what the sticker meant and she explained that she's now a member of D.A.R.E and that if people try to sell you drugs you should say, “No, thank you” and hug them. And while I appreciate the sentiment, I can’t help but thinking that snuggling with rejected drug dealers might not be the safest move for a kindergartner. I asked my daughter if she even knew what drugs were and she admitted that she wasn’t really paying attention but she thought they were “like bears, only smaller.” I think the point here is that the D.A.R.E. system is fundamentally flawed and that my child might need Ritalin.
Regardless, it is disconcerting that the information our children get about drugs is often wrong or lacking and it leaves them ill-equipped to make rational decisions about whether or not to do drugs and so I’ve created a small outline of the most popular drugs and their effects that you can share with your children. You’re welcome.
Remember, knowledge is power.
- Cocaine. Cocaine will get you really high but can be quite expensive. It’s a white powdery substance made from the bones of crushed, tortured baby kittens. Snorting cocaine is like eating tuna made of murdered dolphins except worse because dolphins can’t hide in your shoes and end up on funny Internet videos. Cocaine is snorted through the nose, exactly like that weird kid in your class who snorts his milk through his nose and who no one likes to sit next to at lunch. So yeah. It’s that sexy.
- Crack. Crack is just like cocaine except cheaper because it’s made out of kittens who died from contagious diseases. Unfortunately all the money you save buying crack will end up going toward medication though because crack causes herpes. Crack herpes. Some people will try to tell you that crack herpes isn’t as bad as regular herpes and they’re right. Because it’s worse.
- Heroin. Heroin is one of the worst drugs around because it’s impossible to spell. It makes you really skinny and vaguely hot but sometime between the 1st and the 28th time you use it your genitals will fall right off. True story.
- Marijuana. Marijuana is considered one of the least harmful drugs but it’s still something that should be avoided because it’s a gateway drug. It’s called a “gateway drug” because every time you smoke it the gateway to fairyland opens and a fairy is decapitated. Your fairy. And I know right now you’re probably thinking, “But I don’t even have a fairy” and that’s because when a fairy is murdered, all of the memories of that fairy are erased from the world and are replaced with unnecessary, mandatory algebra classes. If you have no memory of ever having a fairy and you’ve never done drugs, then it’s probably the result of second-hand smoke. This is why it’s important to stop your friends from doing marijuana. When you see a classmate lighting up, you should immediately stop them and explain that they are murdering fairies and inventing math classes and most likely they will stop immediately or at least stop hassling you to join in since you’re obviously on much better drugs than they are. Everyone wins. Except for all the fairies that you murdered.
- PCP. PCP is more commonly called “fairy dust” because it’s made of the remains of decapitated fairies, you sick, sick bastard.
In conclusion, drugs are bad and if you use them your genitals will fall off and then we all end up having to take more math classes because of all the fairies you murdered. Also you should really never hug drug dealers because it's a bad idea to lean against people who carry dirty needles and also because crack herpes is highly contagious.
This is all just basic common sense, people.