Me on a blind date, if my daughter had her wayIn a spot-on list of Horrible Lessons Hollywood Loves to Teach Kids (including Bad Guys Are Slower, Dumber, and Clumsier Than Kids), Cracked offers this:
Your Single Parent Is Really Just Waiting for You to Set Them Up!
Too true. And just a few examples they give: The two Parent Traps, Sleepless in Seattle, and Kindergarten Cop, which offers this priceless lesson, says the listicle's author Joe Russo:
"Hey, look, the new handsome kindergarten teacher just happens to be the ideal match for your spinster mother, and he's a former body builder to boot! The world is magical!"
I'd add to their list of movies The Sound of Music. In fact it may have started the trend. While the singing Von Trapp kids don't directly try to get rid of The Baroness so their father the captain could hook up with Fraulein Maria, they sure do make their preferences known.
But kids, of course, would be the worst possible matchmakers. They just can't understand why daddy needs to hang out with the hot, platinum-blond rich lady instead of the singing flibbertijibbet from the convent, no matter how beautiful her voice.
I've been very lucky. My daughter has adored every woman I've brought around. There have been no frogs on their chairs, no pepper in their tea. If anything she likes them too much, and I feel bad when break-up time comes.
But if I tossed her the keys to my love life, I'm thinking she wouldn't quite find my soul mate. Some guesses for who she'd set me up with:
Her kindergarten teacher: A lovely lady, the picture of class, but my mother's age.
The lady in the Sleeping Beauty costume at Disneyland: She knows I'm a Pocahontas man! And I don't care for pink.
The girls who work at Gap Kids: "Honey daddy likes to be able to take dates to bars without them needing a fake ID."
Blueberry pie: Okay, in this case I'm thinking her "why don't you marry it" might have been a little sarcastic after I gushed too much over a slice. I should never have taught her that taunt.
Of course the day may come when I'm sick of making these choices for myself, give the kid the credit card, and tell her to set me up a Match.com profile. She knows me better than I know me anyway.
Who would your kid set you up with?
Image via abelle2/Flickr