As the week becomes the weekend our children come back to us, their heads full from school, not giving a damn what we say. But say things we must! To pass on our wisdom! And Ask Dad is here to help you do it right.
I'm a divorced father and I think the time has come for me to talk to my young daughter about sex. How on earth do I even start?
Whoa wait, isn't that 100 percent the job of your ex, who knows all about mysterious lady parts? No? Oh crap. Well, looks like you and I are in this together. Let's have a few beers and brainstorm.
First, I'd definitely embrace the Karen Owen moment and say:
"Sweetie, the first thing any woman needs to learn is to stay away from PowerPoint presentations. In fact, don't even learn PowerPoint until you're married ...
"And it's probably best to stay away from Microsoft Word, Excel, Quicken, and Photoshop too. Their harm is not clear, but people used to think the worst thing you could do with PowerPoint is bore the hell out of work colleagues."
You could go further and warn her about library stairwells and bars called Shooters, but that would just confuse her.
Next, talk about consequences, perhaps from a religious and moral perspective. I'd use this quote from a man I consider an authority, Rob Delaney:
"It's crazy to think something as wonderful as sex can lead to something as terrible as a child."
Maybe stencil it above her door?
Then to prove it, um, what did they do in those after-school specials? Make them take care of an egg for a week. Or a bag of flour. Maybe an egg INSIDE a bag of flour to think outside the boring dad box. Paint a sad crying face on it so she knows how difficult it can be.
Then maybe take out a couple of Bratz dolls, no wait they're too young and set a terrible sexual example with their appearance and huge heads, throw those away! Take out a Barbie and Ken, then. Hmm. No reproductive system. Not even genitals. Certainly wish that were true in our daughters' world, eh? But that's no help now.
Well maybe just find a DVD of The Miracle of Life, or if it pains you to watch another childbirth up close like it shows, just get She's Having a Baby, the underrated John Hughes attempt at a grown-up movie. Kevin Bacon's great in it. See what questions come up, and answer them gracefully and eloquently, using words from your vast vocabulary. That and a few tampon commercials, which she's bound to just see anyway, you should be good.
There. Done and done. And you and I are fathers of the year. Beer please.
More help! How should a dad approach the birds and bees topic with his daughter?
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