To Anyone Who Is Offended by My Kid's Tablet at the Restaurant: Mind Your Table

Kaylin Maree Schimpf

baby watch tablet
Kaylin Maree Schimpf

I get it. When I was in my early twenties and mildly cocky in my childless parenting knowledge, I too was the "I'm never going to use a tablet" childless mom ... I was going to teach my child "manners."

**insert eye roll and laughing here** 

  • But you know what? Times have changed.

    Today when eating at a Mexican restaurant with my barely 1-year-old son and husband, we lasted about 75% through lunch with toys and snacks before I whipped out the old Amazon Fire tablet and put on Bubble Guppies

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  • But I saw you, Deborah.

    I saw your razor blade eyes from a table away. With your "I need to speak to a manager" hair ... you RADIATED "I didn't need that when I raised my kids" from your middle-aged soul. 

    Don't worry. I saw you. And your butthole puckered lips staring at me.

  • Like somehow you thought your stares would influence me in to your higher reckoning of parenting. 

    But you know what Debbie? 

    Imma' do what I have to do to drink my noon-on-Sunday margarita without my little terrorist tearing down this restaurant with his tiny infant hands. 

    I get it ... you were the perfect parent. Somehow in the age of no car seats and lead-based painted cribs you raised superior humans. All hail the 1970s mom.

  • I get that in your mind, my infant's tablet -- THAT'S MUTED -- bothers you more than the damn mariachi music being blasted in this Mexican restaurant.

    I don't know if your issues with me are based on anger or jealousy that you didn't have this fished-themed infant mind control when you were raising your horrid little humans.

  • But this is my PSA to 50-something-year-old women like you:

    I'm sorry that I'm not sorry. My son who isn't even old enough to not crap his pants can't just sit through an hour long lunch and that I just want to drink my MOTHER EFFING JESUS-PRAISE-DAY MARGARITA IN PEACE! 

    Mind your own table, Debbie.

    I'm doing my best here.

    This post originally appeared on Kaylin Maree Schimpf's Facebook page and was republished with permission.