For Moms, Valentine's Day Is Just a Frantic Dash Around the Dollar Store

Momstrosity

mom with grumpy cat valentine chocolate box covering her face
Momstrosity

It happens every year, around every holiday. Three weeks out, I have the *best* intentions.

"This year, I'm going to knock it out of the park for my kid's class. Individualized Valentines for everyone! Tulips in a vase for their teachers! It will be clever, adorable, and healthy. I'll be the envy of preschool and Pinterest alike. This is my year!"

...except that it's not.

Because something happens. Well, I guess not *one* thing, but like -- life. And I forget. And then I remember! And then I forget again. AND THEN IT'S UPON US.

SCENE: It's the night before Valentine's Day.

  • I jet to the dollar store, where I buy some hodge-podge, mismatched Valentines to distribute in the morning.

    What is this cartoon character? I have literally no idea. Oh! I get it! It's a ... Star Wars spoof? Maybe? How did they license these!?

    Excuse me ... is that ... GRUMPY CAT?! He does modeling now?

    That'll do. I grab four packs.

    Wait, how many kids are in the class?

    Whatever, I'm committed and Brenda behind me has AT LEAST $27 worth of merchandise in that cart.

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  • I get home. Time to address them.


    WHAT ARE THEIR NAMES!?

    I Facebook stalk as many parents as possible, but the rest is pure guesswork.

    Do I spell Sarah with or WITHOUT an "h"?

    Am I supposed to sign my kid's name, or no?

    Should my kid be able to write their name legibly by now?

    MY PEN IS OUT OF INK.

    Where are the pens!?

    I find a marker.

    It barely writes.

    WHO LEFT THE TOP OFF THE MARKERS?

    This is why I could never homeschool. I am SO unorganized.

    At this point, my resolve is dwindling.

    Then! I see it!

    A half-eaten crayon hanging from the baby's mouth.

    A-HA!

    So sorry, Sara(h)? Your name is in half pen and half soggy crayon. I am doing my best here.

    Valentines done. BOOM.

  • But wait ... their teachers! These precious, angelic, deserve-a-Porsche-and-not-a-card women.

    The things they have seen! The ish that they have endured! How could I ever repay them!?

    Tulips are a no-go. The store is closed and that ship has sailed. I have some oregano in the garden, but that's weird and I don't want to look like a drug dealer.

    Do they have Venmo, I wonder?

    What's the school's policy on alcohol? (I mean, for teachers, duh) -- Lord knows I always keep a bottle or four of wine in the cabinet.

  • I settle on a hand-written note and chocolate, because honestly, mama can’t afford to get suspended from preschool.


    I pile it all in a bag and hang it on the handle of the kitchen door or else I am *POSITIVE* that I’ll leave without it in the morning.

    ... at least I’m prepared in that respect? 


    This post originally appeared on Momstrosity and was republished with permission.