These Comebacks for All the Annoying Advice Parents Get Are Perfection

mom making silly faces with kid
Mum on the Run/Facebook

As a mom of two, Laura Mazza of the blog Mum on the Run is no stranger to the bizarre (and sometimes rude) comments, questions, and "advice" that strangers feel comfortable passing along to parents. Many of us are so shocked to hear these words directed at us and our kids that we freeze in the moment, unable to respond. But Mazza's post nailed exactly what you wish you could say to these "helpful" strangers the next time they sidle up to your stroller. Maybe if we screen shot them, we'll remember. 

  • We've all heard this one before: "Enjoy these moments; they're only little once."

    Mazza wonders what would happen if we were 100 percent honest in our reply. "Yes Deborah I'll wish for the moment when my son broke a vase in a store, my daughter shat her pants and it's leaking and I have grocery bags in my hand while both run in each direction and I want to scream and cry all while wishing I was invisible," she writes. " ... absolutely will wish for those moments." UGH. Sometimes we just want it to be bedtime already.

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  • Then there's the people who dare to ask how far along you are in your pregnancy, when your baby was born over a year ago.

    You could be polite and lie, but Mazza suggests telling them you're expecting a birth of a different kind. "Well actually I'm due to give birth to this burrito at any moment ... so who knows?" 

  • We can't forget the person who clutches her pearls when she learns that your kids eat chicken nuggets for dinner.

    "It's protein Susan ... chillax," says Mazza. As long as they eat something, right?

  • And then we have one of the worst offenders of all. "The asshole who tells you that breastfeeding is better than bottle feeding," declares Mazza.

     Oh, you want to tell me how to feed my child? "Dracarys."

  • Next are those who ask about the dirty details of your family planning -- when, where, why (and for the creepiest of creepers -- how).

    Mazza's advice for fielding question like these is perfection. "I just had sex with lots of random men and shot some babies out like cannonballs," she says. "Actually I went into a field with other women who also shot their babies out like cannonballs and just picked whichever landed next to me."

  • And of course there's the classically unhelpful "You should sleep when the baby sleeps."

    Besides the fact that this is the most obvious "advice" ever, Mazza points out one crucial problem. "The baby doesn't sleep, Susan ... so what now?"

    And that's what we call a mic drop.