10 Pieces of Unsolicited Advice New Moms Definitely Aren't Tired of Hearing

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If there's one thing new parents love, it's unsolicited advice. From the minute we announce that we're expecting, we just can't wait to start having our choices questioned and dissected. When strangers come up to you in the grocery store and start telling you exactly how to parent, it just feels so supportive. Here are the 10 totally not sarcastic* pieces of unsolicited advice every new parent wants to hear.

*Clearly this means we're being sarcastic

  • "Sleep when the baby sleeps."

    That totally makes sense! We're fully actualized adults so we should definitely be spending three-quarters of our days chasing 10-minute naps. Screw working, eating, and showering, and doing literally anything else!

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  • "It's supposed to be hard."

    You're totally right! I honestly thought being puked and pooped on a dozen times a day while being up at all hours and coming to terms with the fact that I am now totally responsible for another human life was supposed to be easy. I had no idea. Thanks again!

  • "Cherish every moment."

    This is great advice! I was feeling too stressed to even see straight, but now that I know to cherish these moments, all my stress has totally melted away.

  • "Put the baby on a schedule."

    What a great idea! Everyone knows babies eat, sleep, and cry on command. Keep at it, and soon your little one will be trained like a well-behaved golden retriever.  If I try hard enough, maybe I can even work the baby's schedule around my daily breakdowns.  

  • "Don't forget to take time for yourself."

    Oh, for sure. If you're finding it nearly impossible to make the time to go to the spa with your girls when you have a brand new baby, you're clearly not mom-ing right.

  • "You're having sex again, right? Don't want your husband to get bored."

    Never forget, ladies, even though you recently pushed the equivalent of a watermelon through your vagina (or got it out through major abdominal surgery), your primary concern should be for the well-being of your husband and his needs. Oh, and that other household member who's demanding to eat every two hours? Definitely a third wheel.

  • "Just be calm and the baby will be calm."

    Note to self: All you need to do is channel your inner zen goddess and your baby will completely cease and desist with screaming his head off. I mean, it's not like baby has a mind of his own, or the umbilical cord has been cut.

  • "You should try for another one ASAP so the baby doesn't get lonely."

    Hey, it's not like the baby is all wrapped up in bonding with you and daddy. Siblings are definitely at the top of the wish list for any new baby, right behind eating, pooping, and sleeping. And please, don't say you plan to stop at one. No good mother would want her children to be forced into a life of depressing solitude because of her own selfishness. 

  • "Breast is best."

    Eff bodily autonomy, eff your comfort, eff your baby's needs, and eff what works for you. Just keep repeating this advice over and over again. It works in all situations.

  • "Trust your instincts and everything will be fine."

    Remember, those primal instincts are way more important than having actual factual knowledge about how to care for your baby. And if you're not having an "instinct" about how to handle a particular situation, you must not be listening hard enough. Just channel your inner lioness, don't ask any questions or complain (ever), and you'll be fine!

     
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