Parenting

Mom Spells Out the Problem With Always Forcing Kids To Share & Her Post Nails It

ParentingPublished Jan 30, 2024
By Tanvier Peart
Kids sharingDejan_Dundjerski/iStock

As a mother of toddlers, I try my best to teach them manners and to be kind people. And, like many other moms and dads, I teach them to share because it will make them more compassionate and lovable people. However, that does not mean my children are automatically required to hand something over to someone just because it's demanded (unless, of course, we're talking about the law). And this is why I'm so thankful for mom Alanya Kolberg's post about why her child isn't required to share, which should be required reading material for parents everywhere.

Kolberg's thought-provoking Facebook post about her young son, Carson, being approached by at least six children – all at once – during a recent playground visit makes it understandable why this little boy was timid about passing his toys around. As Kolberg notes, Carson was "visibly overwhelmed" and looked to his mama for support.

More from CafeMom: 'Petty Dad' Goes Viral With Video About 'Beef' With 8-Year-Old

Kids at park-placeholder
Kids at park
Alanya Kolberg/iStock

'You can tell them no, Carson.'

Kolberg noted in a Facebook post. that she told her son, "Just say no. You don't have to say anything else."

Well, that "No" turned into the kids asking Kolberg for the toys. (Spoiler alert: She said her son didn't have to share with them.) That led to what the mom calls "dirty looks from other parents," who likely thought the mother and son were being extremely rude and inconsiderate by not sharing.

As it turns out, little Carson brought his toys to share with the daughter of one of his mom's friends, both of whom they were meeting at the park.

kids parents playing in backyard-placeholder
kids parents playing in backyard
iStock

So he did, in fact, share.

When I first saw Kolberg's Facebook post and its "MY CHILD IS NOT REQUIRED TO SHARE WITH YOURS" intro, I made a jerk of myself, as I assumed things were about to go south.

But then I read the post, and it gave me pause.

As I thought about my children and teaching them to share, I couldn't help but wonder whether I'm planting seeds of entitlement that might make my boys think someone has to give or do something for them simply because they asked – and I found myself agreeing with this mom.

"Here's the thing, though," Kolberg wrote on Facebook. "If I, an adult, walked into the park eating a sandwich, am I required to share my sandwich with strangers in the park? No!"

She continued: "Would any well-mannered adult, a stranger, reach out to help themselves to my sandwich, and get huffy if I pulled it away? No again. So really, while you're giving me dirty looks, presumably thinking my son and I are rude, whose manners are lacking here? The person reluctant to give his 3 toys away to 6 strangers, or the 6 strangers demanding to be given something that doesn't belong to them, even when the owner is obviously uncomfortable?"

Well, how about them apples?

There have been numerous times when my 3- and almost 2-year-old boys have seen another kid with a toy at the playground and wanted to have it. No matter how hard they kicked, screamed, or pleaded, I've always reminded them it's not their toy, and I've never thought the child who said no was being rude. (Who knows if the child is simply having a bad day, has a special need, or has a problem sharing things with people he or she doesn't know?)

It would be one thing if a child wasn't sharing public property – such as a swing or slide – but it's a completely different story if my kids want to use someone else's personal item.

Because, at the end of the day, that child doesn't *have* to share said item.

"The next time your snowflake runs to you, upset that another child isn't sharing, please remember that we don't live in a world where it's conducive to give up everything you have to anyone just because they said so, and I'm not going to teach my kid that that's the way it works," this mom added in her Facebook post.

Yep, that makes sense to me.

Kolberg's post also made me think about boundaries and the importance of having them and encouraging my kids to find theirs.

"The goal is to teach our children how to function as adults," she wrote in her post. "While I do know some adults who clearly never learned how to share as children, I know far more who don't know how to say no to people, or how to set boundaries, or how to practice self-care. Myself included."

Whether you bring toys to the playground for other kids to use or only bring enough items to get your child out of the house, we should all work to be a little more understanding and not let something like a toy make or break our children's experience at a playground.

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