Before you have kids, you imagine parenthood will be like the last five minutes of every episode of Full House. There will be tough moments, sure, but it will also be full of important life lessons, sappy music, and adorable little babies running around saying, "You got it, dude!" Once you actually have kids, reality slaps you in the face like a mysteriously wet sock your toddler left sitting on your pillow.
Parenting is rewarding, but it's also a hell of a lot of hard work, and you won't get through it unless you've got a good sense of humor. That's why we adore the hilarious moms and dads on Twitter. Every week, they sum up the hardest, funniest, and most WTF parenting moments in 140 characters or less. Here, 16 of the funniest tweets by moms and dads we scrolled past this week.
1. Have kids, they said. It'll be fun, they said.
Having kids basically feels like waking up on the first morning of daylight savings time every day for 18 years.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 13, 2017
2. When your second grader is 7 going on Janet Jackson.
Me: I made you in my belly.
— Deva Dalporto (@mylifesuckers) March 13, 2017
Kid: That was 7 years ago. What have you done for me lately?
3. We see what you did there.
My 7 year old says he knows everything, but in reality he no's everything.
— More Marls Than Meh (@TheAlexNevil) March 14, 2017
4. You can't win 'em all.
You try to teach your kids well but then you hear them say "hospital truck" when an ambulance goes by and you wonder what else you forgot.
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) March 13, 2017
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5. Why do we hurt the ones we love?
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, 'cause his fist hurt. And he'll hear about it every Mother's Day until I die.
— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) March 14, 2017
6. Relationships are built on trust and low expectations.
Before kids: My best friends are the ones I hear from the most.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 14, 2017
After kids: My best friends are the ones who expect the least of me.
7. Trees can't break up fights, and they never have to cook dinner.
Nothing says you're a parent like being jealous of a tree because it's all alone.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) March 14, 2017
8. Objects in mirror are really trying to have their sh*t together more than it appears.
I knew that motherhood would hold a mirror up in front of me, I just didn't think it would be a funhouse mirror.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) March 14, 2017
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9. Kids these days. They have it so easy.
Kids in the 1800s, told to milk cows, collect eggs & cut firewood: Yes, mother.
— Julie Space (@copymama) March 13, 2017
Kids now, told to throw out a wrapper: *prolonged shrieking*
10. When your love language is screaming.
What do we want?
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 13, 2017
WHATEVER YOU'RE HOLDING WHAT IS THAT I NEED IT!
When do we want it?
*SCREAMING CRYING BERSERKER TANTRUM CHAOS*
- Toddlers
11. So much for that flu vaccine.
I have Baby Fever.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 15, 2017
But it's actually a real fever I got from my baby because she uses me as a human tissue.
12. It's important to have priorities.
I wish I was as passionate about anything as much as my 1 yr old is about smearing her fingers all over my glasses while I'm wearing them.
— (G) (@4handfuls) March 15, 2017
13. We were cool before you got here.
It's funny how teenagers hate adults for being lame but we weren't like this until they broke our spirits as toddlers.
— Sweatpants Cher (@House_Feminist) March 13, 2017
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14. Mom! What's taking so long?
Me: [hanging off side of cliff begging for help]
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 11, 2017
My kids: MOMMA CAN YOU GET US A SNACK
15. Music, like most art, is open to interpretation.
My kid thinks the "Cleanup Song," is what he sings to entertain us while we pick up his toys.
— dadpression (@Dadpression) March 15, 2017
16. Can't argue with that logic.
4-year-old: I didn’t cry today.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2017
Me: You cried 10 minutes ago because your socks were too stretchy.
4: I only cried when it was important.
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