If Moms Had Awards Shows, I'd Have My Speech All Ready

A busy mom with her kids dreaming about the Oscars
iStock; design by Anne Meadows

Since it's award show season and we love to sit and watch famous people give speeches in dresses that cost as much as feeding my entire family for five years, I couldn't help but wonder what I'd say if I was in front of a crowd accepting an award. Since I'm a mom, I tried hard to think about what kind of award I'd want to receive -- besides best mom in the entire world, which I obviously already am -- and I realized, the thing I'd like most is to receive the award for Most Patient Mother of the Year. So, let's pretend for a minute that I deserve this award -- despite swearing under my breath and yelling "STOP YELLING" at my kids every single day -- and let's dream about my own thank-you speech to the ones I love. Here's how it would go down ...


Thank you so much for this tremendous honor. Really, I never would have believed that I could receive such a prestigious award as Most Patient Mother of the Year.

I'd like to start out by thanking some people near and dear to my heart: my husband and my children -- because, really, truly, I couldn't have done it without them. You see, so much of my patience is intertwined with their actions, and without almost straight-up losing my sh-t every single day for the last 10 years, I wouldn't be the extremely patient mom I am today.

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First and foremost, I owe a big thank-you to all of my children for helping me learn to "function" on three hours of sleep, even if that means I wear my shirt backwards all day. Also, in one way or another, they've all helped me learn how to live with bodily fluids on my clothes as if they were actually meant to be there, so they deserve another thanks for that. Without them, I'd also never be able to shower in 2.8 minutes (or 3 minutes if I have to shave my legs).

Thanks to being a mom of three, I also now know what it truly means to be outnumbered as my children cry in unison or become as limp as jellyfish when they can't walk to the front door from the car because their legs suddenly stopped functioning. I can't thank them enough for that.

I'd like to thank my oldest child for reminding me to do all the things for her that I truly thought she'd be able to do for herself by now. She has given me the gift of patience every time I remind her to hang her coat up, or that dirty underwear goes in the laundry hamper, not in the middle of her floor.

She also reminds me daily to take deep breaths when she slams doors in my face, and she has shown me that there is, in fact, more than one way to roll your eyes. I will love you forever, my firstborn, but please stop asking me if you can have a cell phone now. The answer is still no.

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To my middle child, who's helped me learn exactly what it must have been like to parent someone like me. Thanks to him I've learned the true meaning of willpower and how, sometimes, all you truly need to be happy is a big, hearty snack. Because of you, my dear middle child, I now know that food can take a horrible day and make it fantastic, and that a very in-depth demonstration on how to properly bathe yourself is necessary to uncovering that mysterious smell at the end of the day.

And, I could never forget my youngest child, because without him, I most definitely wouldn't be who I am today. He teaches me what the true meaning of the word "relentless" really is when he asks me 52 times an hour if he can play on my phone or have a friend over. He also shows me just how far my patience can stretch when I ask him to put his shoes on, and he stares into the deep abyss of the unknown instead. Without him, I'd never question if my voice is actually audible. To my youngest, I will love you forever, but please stop asking me the same question over and over or I might have to start drinking.

It's amazing the talent for patience I've discovered that I didn't even know was buried deep inside of me, and I owe it all to my family. They've helped me realize that I can find things no one else can find and pick up things no one else sees. Without them, I wouldn't know that I was the only one with the ability to wipe a kitchen counter or keep food on my plate. It truly is an honor how they've taught me things I never dreamed I could learn.

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To all of my kids, thank you for teaching me that I will definitely become my mother one day. 

Thank you for showing me that you can't catch vomit in your hands, and that personal space is overrated. 

Thank you for helping me take it all in stride when one of you licks something in public or coughs directly into my mouth.

Lastly, I have to thank my husband. Without him, I wouldn't have these three kids that have changed our lives for the better. I love how he gets that when I eye him across a crowded room, it's time to get our kids the hell out of whatever place we stupidly decided to take them after bed time. And, I love how he also understands that sometimes, getting me frozen yogurt after 9 p.m. -- when I've already gotten the kids in bed and taken off my bra -- really is the best way to my heart.

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