Brutally Honest Dad Channels Every Freaked-Out Man in the Delivery Room Ever

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Anyone who tells you childbirth is a walk in the park is lying to you. It's hard, uncomfortable, and a day you'll never forget. And while mamas are focused on trying to keep calm and labor on, it's always fun to get Dad's perspective -- assuming he hasn't passed out somewhere. Australian dad Brad Kearns's epic Facebook account of his son's birth will leave you in stitches. It's so freaking honest and extremely relatable.

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If you don't follow Kearns's DaDMuM Facebook page -- and all of its glorious parenting updates -- honey, you are missing out. This proud papa of two wins the Internet for keeping it real about about seeing the birth of his son Knox up close and personal.

And as Dad writes, "If you know any men out there who are pretending not to be nervous. Tell them they should be very f*cking nervous. Or send them my way."

 

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"You really don't know what love is until you've hosed your naked partner down with warm water in front of complete strangers. This sh*t was like something off the Discovery channel."

LOL!

Obviously, Brad's language is quite colorful, so you might want to cover up your virgin ears eyes if you don't enjoy dropping the f-bomb from time to time.

This papa does not hold back when it comes to labor and delivery and actually gives moms an outlook we're often too occupied to see -- like the nurses who are too relaxed for comfort. Kearns writes:

Parked as quick as I could, rang the sh*t out of the buzzer, threw her [Brad's wife] in a wheelchair and sprinted to the maternity ward like it was the f*cking olympics. This woman [nurse] strolls over and opens the door for us. I've just put in a performance that would rival Usain Bolt over the 200m whilst pushing a wheelchair, and this old lady casually opens the door like it's a book club meeting and I'm 20 minutes early. Like she was already angry at me because she had to put down her tea. F*ck out of my way woman, my wife is having a baby!

Haha, nurses really are eerily calm, though one can argue they've seen it all.

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And then there's the sacred territory "south of the border" that will make practically any man have a major spasm ...

I'm just going to put it out there and say that those classes didn't teach me sh*t all. Why did we watch that stupid 1980's video where a woman pops this kid out like a morning poo. We should have been watching the f*cking Exorcism of Emily Rose. I would have at least known what to expect. I would have taken a vial of holy water just in case.

OMG, Brad, you're such a riot!

I can't help but think about my childbirths and all that my husband has seen. Unfortunately, he kinda got caught in the "please stand right here and hold up your wife's leg" crossfire.

When I asked him what it looked like down there he would always reply, "Too much."

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Childbirth isn't a super glamorous subject -- at all. I think it helps to keep things a bit lighthearted and while still being honest for expectant parents. Lord knows I was thankful for friends and family who didn't try to sugarcoat what I was about to endure. If anything, their TMI stories -- including the unexpected pooping while pushing -- helped get me through it.

Who knows, maybe Brad's story will help a soon-to-be dad plan better for what's to come.

You never know.

Thanks for the laughs, Dad!

 

Image via Natthawon Chaosakun/Shutterstock

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