13 Things I Hate About Your Family's Holiday Card

things I hate about your holiday cardAs the holiday cards trickle in, it's hard not to critique your nearest and dearest. While some seasonal greetings are lovely and simple, others are over-the-top, in-your-face, "look at us" self-promotional materials that fill you with snark and rob you of any holiday spirit you may have left.

The following are the top 13 things I hate about your family's holiday card:
1. One or more of your kids is topless: Hey, this isn't Blue Lagoon; let's show a little decorum.
2. You mailed it ... and you live across the street: Seriously, were you that worried that I'd see you creeping up my porch and engage you in a lengthy conversation that you had to resort to spending 49 cents on a stamp? 
3. It's a beach scene: Of course your kids are smiling -- you're at an all-inclusive island resort! They're high on electric-blue slushies. Let's see them grin like that when it's a rainy December night and their Elf hasn't moved in days.
4. You're in it: Let's just focus on the kids. We know you took up CrossFit and went Paleo and have basically turned back time. Still, I don't care to see it. If you're in a housecoat plunging a toilet, that I want to see.
5. You're pumpkin picking: Um, that was like so two months ago.
6. You've recreated a scene from a Christmas card you mailed last century: Okay, this concept can be amusing, but seeing your teen sons rubbing their heads together wearing footie pajamas -- or worse, cuddling in a hot tub -- is making me feel weird.
7. You're eating with a Disney character: What this tells me is a) you can plan things well in advance (I hate you!) and b) your breakfast with Cinderella probably cost more than my wedding reception, which means you have oodles of money to spare. (Now I hate you even more!)
8. You cut off half your dog: I shouldn't have to explain this. 
9. You all match: You're trying too hard. You know I'm just going to recycle this in a week -- be chill.
10. You've written a tome on the inside: Ugh, now instead of just slipping a card in the mailbox I have to write -- not email or text -- you back!
11. Your husband actually looks really good bald: Stop showing off!
12. You're all wearing sunglasses: Unless you're in the Federal Witness Protection Program or have recently undergone cataract surgery, just stop.
13. Your new baby is in it: OMG! You had a baby and I never sent a gift. Who's the jerk now? Oh right. I am. 
Image via Big Cheese Photo/Corbis
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