10 Ways Having a Toddler Is Like Living in a Horror Movie

toddler child screaming

Parenting a toddler is sort of rewarding ... sometimes. But in between those cherished moments, it’s pretty much the stuff of nightmares. There are bodily fluids everywhere, and everyone is in tears. It’s kind of like being stuck in a terrifying slasher film, except it goes on forever and the credits never roll.

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Here are 10 ways life with a toddler is a lot like living in a horror movie:

1. Someone is always screaming.

Like dogs, toddlers can only hear certain pitches. Unfortunately, that pitch happens to be blood-curdling screams that make your neighbors call the cops. You could try to explain that they’re only screaming because their broccoli touched their strawberries, but it’d probably be easier to just build a rocket and go live in space until these years are over.

2. You’re surrounded by terrifying toys.

Creepy dolls, objects that cast frightening silhouettes, music makers that turn on by themselves in the middle of the night -- these are the things that now furnish your home. I wish I could tell you they aren’t coming for you, but we’ve all seen Chucky. I suggest a yard sale before you end up with a Lego through the heart.

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3. Evil imaginary friends are a serious possibility.

You know those movies where creepy little kids talk to invisible demons who eventually start haunting your family and trying to destroy you? Yeah, that’s your life now.

4. When they get upset, they act possessed.

You won’t like toddlers when they’re mad. They throw themselves on the ground, contort themselves into weird positions, and occasionally they bellow words like “no” and “hate” in a guttural moan. It’s exactly like The Exorcist if that movie took place in the dollar section at Target.

5. There’s usually someone standing over you while sleep.

It’s not unusual to wake up to someone glaring down at you in the fog of early morning. It’s also not unusual to have a heart attack and simultaneously pee your pants every single time.

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6. You’re more likely to be attacked if you try to have sex.

 

In horror movies, the couple that lays together gets slayed together. In real life, they just get interrupted by children repeatedly until the desire passes and they’re both too exhausted to even look at one another. I’ll let you decide which is more terrifying.

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 7. No one can run without tripping and falling.

It’s an old scary movie cliche that pretty much anyone who tries to run ends up tripping and face-planting. It’s an even older parenting truth that toddlers run around like a bunch of drunks and basically you’re just lucky if they haven’t broken anything yet.

 8. When it gets quiet, you know something terrible is about to happen.

You’d love peace and quiet if it didn’t also mean your house was about to burn down. Remember that blood-curdling scream we talked about in number 1? Yeah, believe it or not, you want to hear that sound because it’s the only proof you have that your children aren’t in the basement glittering the cat.

9. There’s tons of nudity.

Seriously, why are you naked right now? That’s the question you ask whenever someone strips down in a haunted forest in a horror flick, and it’s the same question you’ll ask when your toddler takes all their clothes off to eat breakfast.

 

10. The cops can’t help you.

When there’s a murderous movie villain on the prowl, calling the cops won’t save you. The same goes for dealing with toddlers. In fact, I have it on good authority that cops actually prefer crazed hordes of hungry zombies because they’re easier to subdue. Face it: no one is coming to save you. You might as well abandon all hope and pop open a bottle of wine so at least you can have fun while you watch the world burn.

 

Image ©iStock.com/quintanilla

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