10 Times You Absolutely Should Not Give Formula to a Baby

baby formulaTo some new mothers, infant formula is a life-saver, but to others, it’s anathema. Their insistence that formula isn’t natural or nourishing enough might not mean much when your hungry baby is crying, but there are at least 10 times that you really, really need to put that bottle of formula down.

1. When the formula your spouse brings home from the discount store expired in 1972.

Also, why does it list ‘dog food’ as the second ingredient?

2. When your milk overproduction is so bad it threatens to flood the house.

Trying to sell your house with water damage in the basement will be hard enough. Good luck telling prospective buyers that those stains and that funky smell were caused by milk damage.

3. When your ‘baby’ is now 5 years old.

Come on: we all have to start sharing our pizza and chocolate with the kids sometime. I mean, we do, don’t we? I haven’t been sharing for nothing … have I?

More from The Stir: An Open Letter to Moms Who Think Formula Is 'Poison'

4. When the baby has ripped the labels off all the canisters in the kitchen.

You have an equal chance of making the baby a delicious bottle of formula, powdered sugar, Bisquik, or cocaine. (You probably shouldn’t keep that last one in the kitchen anymore, by the way.)

5. When there’s a full moon.

Be careful: the were-lactivists will be on the prowl.

6. When you run out of regular storebought formula and your spouse says he's going to “MacGyver up” some homemade stuff.

Formula probably isn’t supposed to look like that. It’s almost certainly not supposed to smell like that. And it definitely shouldn’t have that much duct tape in it.

7. When your baby is actually a full-grown lion wearing a baby bonnet and crammed into a stroller.

Get that baby some raw antelope meat, stat. And stop watching so many Loony Tunes reruns.

More from The Stir: 10 Things Never to Say to a Formula-Feeding Mom

8. When you are the main character of Twilight.

Your creepy precocious newborn vampire-child probably already has all her adult teeth and probably her adult blood-lust as well. Skip the formula in favor of a stake—did I say stake? I meant steak. Probably. Just keep your weird vampire family away from mine.

9. When you want all the formula to yourself.

That sickly sweet smell, that flavor like week-old bread buttered with melted aluminum … far too special to share with a baby’s undiscerning palate!

10. When you want to make the most natural choice.

Do as our foremothers did: breastfeed your 18 children, send any survivors out to work in the farm fields, and poop yourself to death at the ripe old age of 37 from a truly epic case of dysentery.

What would you add?


Image © iStock.com/balenopix.