10 Reasons Babies Should Never, Ever Be Allowed To Cry

As mothers, we’re fed a fairly steady stream of ways we’re ruining our kids: putting them in day care, not giving them enough socialization, not breastfeeding, breastfeeding too long. Of course babies often cry because they need something; but also, sometimes mothers cry because they need something, too – namely, a break from all the crying.


But even if you feel at your wit’s end, there are 10 reasons you should never, ever let that baby cry.

1.Because your baby’s screeches are so high-pitched that they serve as a dog whistle.

You can’t afford to give out your weight in Milk Bones to disperse the entire neighborhood’s collection of strays every time the baby won’t go down for a nap.

2. Because you enjoy cooking so much that you’d rather make a new meal than endure a chicken à la king-induced tantrum.

Don’t look at it as food waste. Look at it as the opportunity to live your dream of being a short-order cook. And to eat all the leftovers that make baby turn up her nose.

3. Because you have rigorously trained yourself not to poop since the baby was born.

The baby screams every time you disappear into the bathroom, but it’s okay -- you can hold out for a mere two years or so. Can’t you?

4. Because the baby screeches at the exact right pitch to shatter all the wineglasses in the kitchen.

What are you going to do -- drink merlot out of a Sippy Cup?! I think not.

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5. Because you’re really, really looking forward to reading The Very Grouchy Ladybug for the 18th time in a row.

A lesser parent would have caved after the first 10 times, but you are happy to stave off a temper tantrum if it means you get to read about that wacky bug’s Joe Pesci-esque antics yet again.

6. Because your Manchurian Candidate-style brainwashing activation code word is "BWAHHHHHHH".

The continued safety of your secret target depends wholly on your decision to rock the baby to sleep until he is in middle school.

7. Because swaddling is really, really hard. Why is it so hard?

A good swaddle might calm her down, but first you have to figure out how to wrap her up so that she doesn’t end up with her elbow in her ear again.

8. Because you want your baby to be bilingual.

Help him practice his second language by screaming at him in Spanish or Mandarin when he screams at you. (Tip: the Spanish translation for “wah! wah!” is “buá! buá!”.)

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9. Because your baby has acid tears.

This is probably going to be a great defense mechanism for her in middle school, but for now, it’s hell on the crib sheets and mattress pad.

10. Because you’re lucky enough to have never felt like your brains will actually melt out of your skull if you don’t walk away from your screaming child for just two precious minutes.

I’ll be happy to shake your hand as soon as I finish smashing my own brains back in through my ear-holes.

Why won't YOU let the baby cry?

About the Author: Aimee Ogden is a science nerd, fake geek girl, and the mother of 1-year-old twins. She has 99 problems, and most of them involve comic books. You can also find her on Twitter.


Image © iStock.com/Ivan Bliznetsov

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