10 Types of Moms You Meet in the Liquor Store

liquor store childSure, the liquor store isn't the first place you think of when picturing a mother. But make no mistake -- although it's no playground or Target parking lot, you'll still run into a cast of mom characters when you run out to grab that bottle of Cabernet. Here's who to be on the lookout for:

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The Nursing Mother
She wants to do right by her baby (the gift of a mother’s milk and yada yada yada). But also she’s thirsty, dammit. The Nursing Mother is proud of herself for avoiding alcohol throughout her pregnancy. She doesn’t really think that a glass of wine will do any harm now, but fears bumping into anyone who knows that she’s lactating. In fact she’s pretty sure that the guy at the register can tell that she’s lactating just by looking at her. Her next stop will be Target where she'll be picking up Alcohol Breast Milk Test Strips. Having them on hand will help remind her that having a baby is a total blast and not ever a drag.

The “Kids Are Out For Summer Break and I’m Losing My Mind” Mom
She's at her wits end, and it's only the middle of July. You will recognize her by the desperate look in her eyes, which is a combination of terror and hopelessness. She doesn't think she can make it to August without some wine coolers and a lobotomy, so be nice to her.

The TTC-er
Pervasive guilt makes a trip to the liquor store an unpleasant experience for the TTC (that's "Trying To Conceive") Mom. While a large portion of her thoughts are devoted to ways in which she can make her womb a hospitable environment, she also really wants to forget about cervical mucus for an hour or so. The TTC-er tries to plan her trips to the liquor store based on her cycle, so if you see her in the wine aisle you can be pretty sure she has her period. Offer her a knowing look and a tampon as a sign of goodwill.

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The Carpool Organizer
The Carpool Organizer is not at the liquor store to browse. She's come with a well thought out list of the items she needs for the next two weeks worth of hostessing duties, church suppers, and community functions. She has notes about which wines pair best with her famous lasagna. Don't make suggestions to the Carpool Organizer; she already knows what she needs and you will just slow her down. What she needs is what's on her list and to be picking someone up in four minutes.

The Box of Wine Mom
Economy is this mom’s middle name. Years of child-rearing have made her practical and thrifty, and she doesn’t care if she looks trendy. Anyway, everyone knows that a box is the ideal way to transport vast quantities of wine in a minivan.

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The Mompreneur
The Momprenuer is making a quick stop at the liquor store before the neighborhood ladies arrive for her nail art/lashes/lotion/oils/jewelry sales party. She knows that it's in everyone's best interest to have some alcohol on hand, as nothing tempts a person to drop the rough equivalent of a mortgage payment on skincare products like a Stoli Razz and Vodka.

The Playdate Host
What goes better with goldfish crackers, red or white? Do people even serve wine at play dates? Will the other moms think I'm a booze-hound? What are the rules?!? The Playdate Host is overtired, frazzled, and absolutely giddy at the idea of having new mom friends over mid-day. This combo is a recipe for disaster. Let The Playdate Host cut you in line; her toddler is about to lose his mind, and she can't take that kind of setback right now.

The “I’m Just Here for My Husband” Mom
She worries that it's frowned upon for her to be at the liquor store, so she likes to issue disclaimers to explain her presence. She approaches the wine racks like an underage kid who's trying to sneak cigarettes, and when she bumps into an acquaintance she's quick to point out that her stockpile is for her husband. This mom has not gotten the memo that moms love wine like they love coffee. It's basically a rule.

The Mocktail Mom
She has dreams of being the cool mom, but she is responsible and has boundaries and doesn't want teenagers vomiting in her yard. When her kids were little, she was the homeroom mom. The Mocktail Mom has agreed to host an after-prom party, where she will be serving cranberry juice. She is at the liquor store to pick up some ice.

The Football Fan Mom
She is here for beer, plain and simple. The liquor store falls on the errand list somewhere between the butcher (where she’ll grab a cold-cut platter) and Costco (where she needs to pick up a tub of nacho dip and 8 bags of Doritos). Don’t ask The Football Fan Mom if she wants to try an Argentinian red unless it comes in a keg and it’s called a Bud Light.

Don't lie -- the kids' whining has made you intimately familiar with the wine aisle. So what types of moms do you run into when you're there?

 

About the Author: Liz Faria spent much of the past decade as a social worker and photographer. Now a full-time mom and blogger, Liz writes about the joy and ridiculousness that is motherhood at A Mothership Down. You can also find her on Facebook.


Image via © iStock.com/urbancow

 

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