15 Tiny Luxuries in Every Mom's Life

This is spectacularly lame, but one of my greatest pleasures in life is that tiny solo walk I get once I shut the car trunk door after I’m done loading groceries and I push the cart to the storage area. My rabid howler monkey children are all secured in the vehicle, and for just that tiny brief moment in time, I’m like, ALL BY MYSELLLLLLLLFFFFFFF .... I realize that 35-second interval isn’t exactly a spa getaway complete with daily hot stone massages and green smoothies where the green part is just for looks and the secret ingredient is gelato, but the Grocery Store Parking Lot Mosey is just one of many tiny dumb luxuries I like to revel in from the grim trenches of parenthood.

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Here are a few others:

1. The stale forgotten rind of a PB&J. WHY DOES THAT BLEAK, MOSTLY-DRY LITTLE PIECE OF NIBBLED BREAD TASTE LIKE MANNA FROM THE GODS?

2. The moment when I pull away from the school dropoff zone and I can turn my cuss-filled music up to top volume. Uh-oh, uh-oh, bitches hoppin' in my Tahoe.

3. The occasional total madness that comes over me that compels me to run the dishwasher with only like five things in it. LOOK AT ME I’M KIM KARDASHIAN.

4. The full-bodied triumph of not having any socks to un-roll/un-wad before they get laundered.

5. The secret joy of having to wake one of my kids up before school. Oh sorry, was that vuvuzela annoying? Yeah, so were you for the first three years of your non-sleeping life. Payback’s a bitch.

6. The excuse to eat a grape-flavored Flintstone’s vitamin in the morning. What? Just building strong bones over here.

7. The hotel pool. It smells like chlorinated pee and there are 12 Band-Aids floating in the corner, but they’re going to sleep like logs tonight so it’s basically a trip to Canyon Ranch.

8. The post-bedtime hallway strut. The kids’ doors are closed, and I’m heading back down to the couch like I’m on the Victoria’s Secret walkway. OH yeah! WHO hid a pint of Haagen-Dazs behind the fish sticks? THAT’s right.

9. The way food tastes when it disgusts the children. My roasted broccoli smells like farts, you say? Let me just relish. Every. Single. Bite. While you squirm and grimace.

10. The rare moment during a road trip when they both fall asleep, heads tilted at uncomfortable-looking angles like they’ve been taken out by snipers, and the only sound is the car humming along. No yelling, no arguing, no voices: just total silence.

11. The heady thrill of perusing a menu during a date night. I can order an appetizer if I want, because who’s sitting in the chair like a military soldier waiting for the instant the crackers and coloring pages become boring because that’s when the entire outing will crumble into entropy and someone will have to march shamefully out to the car with a squalling kid under one arm? NOT ME.

12. The 10 p.m. bubble bath. Don’t even think about trying to get in here to brush your teeth, husband, because I will shear your head off like a praying mantis.

13. The complete and utter bliss of a trip to Target by myself. Yes, I realize there are far more exotic adventures to be had, but did you see how I just sailed by the toy aisle with, like, ZERO fucks? That’s because I’m going to look at makeup and decorative mirrors and striped hand towels and candle holders and purses and I am going to take forEVER.

14. The diabolical power of the remote control. Have you ever just flipped the TV off while your children are in the midst of some lengthy saucer-eyed cartoon fest? I highly recommend it. I hear it’s sort of like doing cocaine and heroin at the same time.

15. The pleasure of surfing through photos of your kids while your actual kids are nowhere to be found. Don’t even try and tell me you don’t know what I’m talking about, here. When you finally put them to bed and then you can gaze lovingly at the images you snapped earlier in the day? You KNOW that’s awesome. You DO. And if you don’t ...

 

Image via lslxndis/Flickr

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