8 Deeply Awkward Moments in the Life of a Soccer Mom

Linda Sharps | Sep 23, 2014 Being a Mom

soccer mom

There are two checkered balls rolling around in the passenger seat floorboard of my SUV. The storage area contains two folding chairs: one adult-sized, one child-sized. The backseat is littered with granola bar wrappers, one seatbelt is still moist from a spilled water bottle, and the entire vehicle holds the faint odor of sweaty shinguards. In the rearview mirror I can see my reflection: wispy pieces of hair forming a halo around my ponytail, my makeup long worn away, my mouth slightly agape as I visibly struggle to remember the practice schedule I glanced at just two seconds ago.

Somewhere along the line, I became a full-fledged soccer mom. Not only is this a lifestyle that is almost painfully glamorous, I find that it's a great opportunity to continually experience a series of intensely awkward moments every single week as I rush to and from my children's activities.

Tell me, do you share my soccer mom pain?

 

Image via Montgomery County Planning Commission/Flickr

  • Showing up at the wrong field

    1

    Ugh don't you hate it when the school listed on your game schedule is big enough to have multiple fields and you arrive at the wrong one and have to walk around for a million years dragging your chairs and blankets with you before you eventually realize the embarrassing truth: you can't actually recognize a single kid or parent from the group you've been seeing on a weekly basis for months on end?

  • The moment when the coach asks the parents if anyone's willing to be the assistant coach

    2

    They're all, "Bueller? ... Bueller?" while you pretend to be invisible because oh hell no.

  • Making small talk that falls flat

    3

    I'm always the parent who decides to break the ice by saying something like, "Oh my gosh aren't they comical out there? Ha ha! It's like watching a herd of medicated cats trying to chase a laser pointer!" And it turns out the parent I'm talking to is convinced their kid is the next David Beckham.

  • Being the 'trashy snacks' mom

    4

    Oh you brought organic gluten-free flax-seed-infused power muffins with carob chins and individual reusable cups with filtered stream water? Yeah, I brought this giant box of store-brand soda crackers.

  • Peering at your phone the moment your kid scores a goal

    5

    Seriously, he hasn't kicked a goal in four games and he does it right when I'm watching a dumb cat video on Facebook?

  • Accidentally playing inappropriate music during carpool

    6

    You know when you agree to give another kid a ride to practice and everyone piles in your car and the moment you turn the ignition your speakers blare to life at top volume: "STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHERFUCKER NAMED ICE CUBE"? Just me?

  • Dramatically collapsing your folding chair when you sit down

    7

    Why does this always happen in front of a crowd, too?

  • Passionately cheering on ... the other team

    8

    Well for crying out loud, they all look the same out there. At least this way you seem like a really good sport.

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