​MIT Wants to 'Make the Breast Pump Not Suck': But Is It Possible?

Finally, the brainiacs at MIT are addressing a real problem that desperately needs attention! They're hosting a "Make the Breast Pump Not Suck Hackathon" for engineers, designers, parents, public health researchers, and lactation consultants this weekend. 

Hallefreakinglujah!

I dreamed of torching my breast pump as a nod -- a fist-bump, if you will -- to my turkey baster nipples. They felt like they cooked for 12 hours in a 350-degree oven every single time I pumped. If the genius summit manages to improve even one aspect of the breast pump, I will give thanks. I may bow down ... or even stop calling them MIT geeks (yeah, I am so jealous I could never get in). Here, IQ champs, are seven udderly torturous breast pump problems you need to solve.

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1. The ear-numbing sound of breast pumps makes our husbands' snoring sound like a tranquil yoga retreat in the rain forest. You have silencers on guns. How can you not figure out how to put the kibosh on a breast pump?

2. The suction cups that adhere to our nipples make us ripe and ready for an S&M chamber. Red, raw, bloody ... bring it, sex freaks. We survived much worse than your twisted fantasies pumping. Nipple clamps should not sound more appealing than feeding our babies.

3. Our self-worth is measured in ounces. We shell out serious cash trying to up our production ... and it doesn't help. Figure out a way to get the milk out of the depths of our breasts in a less serial killer-like way.

More from The Stir: Using a Breast Pump vs. Medieval Torture: Is There Really a Difference?

4. Breast pumps are libido-killers. It's not hot ... the way these torturous devices contort our nipples and squeeze our breasts. They serve as fire extinguishers for our husbands' penises (this may or may not be a benefit, depending mom's position on post-pregnancy sex). A little kindness will go a long way to endearing both sexes to the breast pump.

5. Breast pumps contain nine million pieces. They make us overtired, bleary-eyed moms actually read directions. They are beyond hard to maintain. As soon as we're done cleaning and tracking said parts, it is time to pump again. 

6. Figure out a way we can be comfy when we pump. Like a warm blanket for our boobies. Perhaps a soothing pumping soundtrack? You're smarter than us ... think about it. We need something to make it bearable. 

7. The pump makes breastfeeding a mooooooooooving experience. Moms morph into cows. We consider going vegan in solidarity. Please help us not feel like cows. We like ice cream and really don't want to give it up.

Thank you, in advance, for your cooperation regarding these mom matters.

What would you add to the list?


 

Image via © TYRONE SIU/Reuters/Corbis

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