Crazy Things Moms Say in Public Restrooms

Public restrooms. Just the thought of them makes us uncomfortable. They're a wasteland for graffiti, caked on pee, poop splatter, overflowing tampons ... you get the idea. They're universally disgusting.

What's even harder than trying to get out of a public restroom without the sudden urge for a shower? Managing a child -- or, even worse, several children -- in said public restroom. They're vestibules for germs and grime ... and kids just don't get it. They thrive in this nasty environment, singeing their mom's every nerve with ease.

Who hasn't delivered the killer evil mom stink eye to their kids behind closed stalls? Who hasn't yelled, "Get back here right now or I am telling the (Elf on the Shelf/Mensch on a Bench)!" The crazy things moms say in public restrooms to rein kids in are comical.


No, I don't know why there's a floating poop in the toilet.
Yes, it's huge.
I promise it won't come after you.

Do you know how many butts have touched that seat?
I don't know if grandma's was one of them.

I don't care if it's itchy. You will sit on that toilet seat cover (first name, middle name).
I am telling you it is not a bib for a baby!

That's not a mailbox! That's for mommies. 
Don't throw the "mailbox letters" on the floor!

Don't lie on the floor!
Stop rolling on the floor!
Yes, those are feet.
Stop, please ... no peeking.

Pull your underwear up quick.
I want to get the hell out of here!

That's gross. I can't believe you just touched that!
OMG. I feel sick.

Leave the door closed!
I don't want everyone to see mommy peeing!

More from The Stir: Potty Training: Public Restroom Tips

Do not read anything.
Not. One. Thing.
Yes, that's a bad word.
No, you can't "color on the wall" too.

Put your penis away. 
Right now.

Don't lift up the toilet seat!
You do not touch anything in here!

No gymnastics on the handrail.

Stop talking about her fart!
I know it smells.
Yeah, I agree. Daddy's smell even worse.

You only have to wave your hand once!

That's not a candy machine.
No, you can't get one!

Here, honey, use the hand sanitizer.
I don't care if you just washed your hands.
Do it!

What do you find yourself saying to your kids when you're in public restrooms?

Image via © Jason Hosking/Corbis

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