'Healthy' Breakfast Ideas for the School Year

cigarette coffee breakfast

Like every mother in America who takes whatever she hears on TV as gospel, I believe that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. In fact, according to a nutrition article I sort of skimmed while half-asleep and tipsy on an airplane, kids need between 15,000 and 20,000 calories in their bellies to start the school day off right. Any less than that and guess what? You’ve got a high school drop-out with a neck tattoo and a gambling problem living in your basement for the next 30 years.

That’s why I always take extra time to plan and prepare my children’s school day breakfasts. After all, filling them with enough food to make them puke on the monkey bars at recess is the least I can do as a caring mother, responsible American, and the woman my local grocery store manager refers to as “Dear lord, that pain in the ass is smelling the melons again."

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So if you’d like to raise your kids the right way, take a look at my special family recipes. They’re sure to brighten the entire family's morning and make breakfast the best, and most important, part of your day.

Smoked Bacon & Farm Fresh Eggs
To make: Wake up early and crack open six organic brown eggs. Mix with a dollop of butter and cook over medium-heat. Meanwhile, place 12 strips of bacon in the oven and bake until they’re sizzling. When kids enter kitchen and yell, “Gross! What smells like rancid cow farts?” smile and throw a $1 cereal bar at their heads as they run to the bus.

Homemade Yogurt & Muesli
To make: Wake up early and remove the cheesecloth from the newest batch of yogurt in your European yogurt-maker. Spoon a few dollops into ramekins, then carefully sprinkle a healthy serving of gluten-free Muesli on top. When kids enter kitchen and yell, “I’d rather lick my own feet than eat that disgusting crap!” smile and throw a $1 cereal bar at their heads as they run to the bus.

Fruit and Flax Seed Smoothies
To make: Wake up early and wash strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and kale. Place in blender with ice and yogurt from your European yogurt maker. Add flax seed, blend, and pour into cheery glassware. When kids enter kitchen and yell, “You’re not fooling anyone, woman! We know there’s kale in that stupid hippie juice!” smile and throw a $1 cereal bar at their heads as they run to the bus.

Steel Cut Oatmeal With Artisanal Cinnamon
To make: Wake up early and boil oats. Keep at low simmer and watch intently for 35 minutes. Stir gently, then spoon into bowls and garnish with a loving pinch of cinnamon. When kids enter kitchen and yell, “When did this joint turn into a freaking Charles Dickens novel? If you think we’re eating gruel, you’re even more delusional than Grandma says you are!” smile and throw a $1 cereal bar at their heads as they run to the bus.

Black Coffee & a Cigarette
To make: Wake up early and look for matches. When kids enter kitchen and whisper, “Uh-oh, what’s wrong with mom? Why is she staring at us like that guy who searched our bags at the airport stared at us? Is that bowl of muesli -- on fire?!” smile and throw a $1 cereal bar at their heads as they run to the bus.

Then smile some more and throw your European yogurt maker in the trash.

 

Image © iStock.com/MariaDubova

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