Mom Confession: My Toddler Humps Everything in Sight When He's Tired

Sssshhhhh ... don't tell anyone ... but my four-year-old son is a mad humper. Seriously, he has Ron Jeremy-like stamina. I would be willing to bribe him with a freaking candy store to make him stop at this point. His horrifying habit makes me doubt the name I lovingly gave him at birth. Alexxx James sounds like a pornstar moniker to me now. What's a mom to do?

I am not exaggerating. He breaks into a sweat. His eyes roll back in his head at times. He goes at it on the couch, in his bed ... even the floor if he gets the urge. And my pediatrician says I need to ignore his mad humping so I don't ruin his sexuality forever. No pressure!


Best advice Doc gave me was to explain to my son that he needs to go in his room alone if he wants to pump away ... that it's something he has to to in private.

Um, okay. That was not worth the $20 co-pay.

Banishing my son to his bedroom didn't work, so I gave his self-love a little code name: "Moving your legs." I thought it was a brilliant compromise. It went well for awhile. I would ask Alexxx to stop "moving your legs" ... nothing inappropriate about calling attention to "moving your legs," right Doc? Until one day, Alexxx refused and gave me good reason.

"Mom, I don't want to stop moving my legs. It makes my penis feel good."

I have no idea what I did next. It's all a blur. I probably threw some candy his way -- the good stuff I have stashed away for emergencies. Yeah, really chewy candy, so the chomping would distract him from penis talk. I opened a bottle of wine that night. That I remember.

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I am the farthest thing from a prude. I gave my stepdaughter the sex talk and was not embarrassed one bit. But this ... boy, oh boy, I am at a loss. I take solace in the fact that my son only gets busy when he's exhausted, but feel powerless to stop the humping madness.

Do any of your kids have a humping habit? How do you deal with it?

Image via © Jamie Grill/Tetra Images/Corbis

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