The Benefits of Raising Your Child Like a Veal Calf

An idea occurred to me after noticing how well the crate we bought to train our new puppy would also fit our 3-year-old daughter.

We initially raised Skylar free-range, and she flourished for a long time that way. A couple of months ago, however, we started noticing signs that she couldn't handle it. Immediately after turning 3, for example, she announced that she now has a boyfriend and there's nothing we can do to stop them from napping together.

Raising Skylar like a veal will not only nip this in the bud but also provide the following benefits:

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* Only watching the TV and Internet programming that we feel is appropriate.

* Eating what she is served, not the gummy bears and Skittles she hordes in her room from her last three potty rewards.

* No tattoos, staying out past curfew, or discovering our secret grown-up drawer.

Locomotion is overrated anyway. Did young Mozart compose "Exsultate, jubilate" while playing on the swings? Did Einstein concoct his theory of relativity while cruising Berlin bars for chicks?

Of course, I realize how wrong some of you may feel I'm being -- even if I'm only joking. And I implore you not to worry. I fully intend to purchase a pad for the bottom of the crate.

What's the most extreme child-rearing method you've ever considered for half a second?


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