7 Ways My Hottest Spring Break Fantasies Came True

spring breakOnce you're out of school, spring break no longer holds a ton of appeal, does it? After all, it's not like the working world celebrates by shutting down for a week. Those of us who are parents are mostly burdened with trying to keep our children occupied during their time off while simultaneously juggling all our normal tasks. It's not exactly a smorgasbord of bikinis, beaches, and beer bongs.

That's what I had thought, until my entire worldview changed after I experienced the never-to-be-forgotten Spring Break Without Kids of 2014. It all went down last week, thanks to my boys staying with their grandparents for a few days, and I'm still recovering from the riotous atmosphere that took over my house. My god, it was epic. There isn't a college student in existence who partied harder than I did, I can tell you that right now.

Behold just a few of the nearly illegal activities that I engaged in:


I mopped the floors in the hallway. Do you know how hard it is to clean the floors in a heavily trafficked hallway without a child running through while the floors are still sticky with "Orange Glo"? It's basically impossible, unless you lash both children to the couch with two separate canvas bungee cords, don't think I haven't considered that. Last week I luxuriously mopped the floors until they gleamed, perfectly secure in the knowledge no one would ruin my work. It. Was. ORGASMIC.

I did zero loads of laundry. I gathered up no piles of dirty clothes. I transferred not one single wet piece of cloth from washer to dryer. I folded nothing. You can have your swim-up bar, your pool DJs, and even your 19-year-old midsections: my laundry vacation was the hottest ticket in town.

I ate an entire container of Red Vines. My 8-year-old's favorite candy, and I left him not a strand. Sorrynotsorry.

I didn't have to listen to Wild Kratts while I was trying to work. On any given day in recent history, my brain can be mostly divided into the following areas of concentration: 1) Where the HELL is Flight 370, 2) Is it lunch yet?, and 3) Gonna go wild wild wild Kratts Gonna go wild wild wild Kratts Gonna go wild wild wild Gonna go wild wild wild KRATTS!! Oh my god so nice to get a break from cheetah speed and lizard glide, falcon flight, and lion pride.

I watched Wolf of Wall Street without having to hold the remote the entire time in case a child wandered out while someone was snorting coke out of a hooker's ass.

I ran the dishwasher when it was half-full. You know how Lorde sings about Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece, jet planes, islands, tigers on a gold leash? She forgot to mention turning on the dishwasher when it's not loaded to the brim. No greater luxury.

I engaged in sexy intercourse with my husband. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. Without the kids around to put a damper on things, we got more intimate than we have in months. Face to face, no-holds barred ... oh man, we had an actual uninterrupted conversation.

How about you -- what would be your ideal spring break?

Image via Spring Breakers

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