12 Ways Valentine's Day Is Different After Kids

miss you conversation hearts candy
iStock.com/Jennifer McCallum

Remember when you and your valentine were all sexy and romantic? V-day generated excitement and anticipation. It took planning and forethought. I remember not passing gas for like, the entire first year to keep the love alive. I think I spent the last 6 months of that year permanently hunched over in pain. Before we had kids, my husband would send flowers and take me to incredible restaurants. You know, those fancy ones that require reservations to be made more than 7 minutes in advance? After having kids, I've received the BEST handmade cards ever and heard the sweetest sweet nothings from my adorable little imps, but marriage wise, romantic holidays have lost something that I can’t quite put my finger on. Oh right, ROMANCE.


Yes, V-Day has changed, which is why I made a marriage edition of candy sweethearts, and this: a comparative look at how it was before kids vs. after... 

Before: "Chocolates, por moi? I will now proceed to take a bite of each one until I find my favorite, then I shall put the others back and eat them at my convenience."
"Chocolates, and they're already opened? Are there any that haven't been bitten out of? No? OK, just give me something dark with a creamy center. The centers are being sucked out as we speak? No problem, throw me any uneaten shells."

Before: You got breakfast in bed on a tray with a flower and a kiss.
You get woken at the crack of dawn, with an adorable, but inedible kid-made breakfast in bed. Which, isn't quite as adorable when you're cleaning up the shocking amount of destruction cereal, toast and peanut butter can leave in its wake.

Before: "Hey honey, let's order a bottle of champagne."
"Hey honey, let's order cappuccinos, so we can stay awake long enough to do it."

Before: "I see you picked up whipped cream for later *wink wink* what fun."
"Oh, the kids ate the last of the whipped cream a while ago … but I think we have some Danimals."

Before: "It's so crazy how we don't have wait for anyone to come over and watch our plants or pets or furniture while we're gone… We can just walk out that door, whenever.
You're on a mission to find some super homely and introverted babysitters, because your current sitter has a new boyfriend and want to go out next V-Day. 

Before: "You look so hot in that suit come here so I can take it off."
"You know what I think you'd look hot in? Those yellow rubber dish-washing gloves, let me put some on you."

Before: We set the mood. I recall my husband lighting candles and running a bubble bath in our then tub that would barely fit a toddler.
Now we have a huge Jacuzzi bath that we've never been in together. Well, one time we tried, but the slew of naked Barbie's just mocked us and then Ken's point arm stuck me in the boob. I'm pretty sure she was trying to feel me up.

Before: "Honey will you rub my feet before we get started?"
"Honey will you brush the crumbs off your side of the bed before we get started?"

Before: Your card was so lyrical and eloquently written … I laughed, I cried.
Another rhyming cat card where the cats apologize for getting on each other's nerves and hogging the remote?

Before: We spent time on foreplay, it was very involved and possibly included props, costumes, feathers, whipped cream.
Foreplay is barely recognizable, but you hope it includes toothpaste.

Before: We'd say things like, "Let's spoon all night," and suffer with our arms and legs coyote'd in awkward positions and try to deal with someone's hot annoying breath on your neck.
We scoot back to our sides so quickly, I'm always tempted to shout, "and break" and give him a high 5 before rolling over.

Before: "You really wanna turn me on? Do that thing … that makes me say, 'Oh yeah, that's right use all the attachments, hit those hard to reach spots mm hmm.'"
You say the exact same thing, except you're talking about vacuuming.

Jenny From the Blog/TheSuburbanJungle.com

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